Digging Deeper
by E.J-imagination
Summary: AU. Callie and Arizona have a conversation at their 4th date. But they have two different backgrounds and so there are two different ways of interpretation. Will Arizona be able to share her secret? In which way will it affect their relationship? Mentions of self-harm and eating disorder!
1. Calliope

**Digging Deeper**

**A/N:  
So here it comes...**

**A little story at the beginning of what gave me the idea to write this FF.**  
**I had a huge relapse after 276 days of fighting.**  
**And I talked to a friend who does not know about my hidden struggles...**  
**Well, long stories short, I just sensed that it is kind of strange to talk to someone about different things but all I myself could think about were my scars and cuts and band-aids... The other person would never find out and yet maybe be confused about some of my reactions...**  
**So I know I am rambling and what I wrote above does not make sense, but maybe out there is someone who actually understands it ;) Let me know.**

**Without further ado...**

**Have fun reading! :)**

1st chapter: CALLIOPE

Geez! Am I nervous! I hurry from one side of my apartment to the other, spotting something that needs to be cleaned up everywhere.

Suddenly a knock.

OK, last check up: Candles lit? Check. Wine? Check. Delicious food and dessert? Check.

So now I am sure I can open the door and be a good hostess.

I smile towards the petite blond: ''Hey! Come in. Even in time.'' Arizona smiles equally bright but gives me a soft scoff for my last comment about her punctuality.

''Thanks for the invitation. I was really looking forward to it.''

I take her coat and put it into the wardrobe next to the entrance.

''A glass of wine?", I offer which she takes grateful.

''Make yourself comfortable. Have a seat...''

I head one last time back into the kitchen before I take the chair opposite her.

After quite a while of smalltalk I notice her sitting with a stiff back.

And her body is under hell a lot of tension in general!

Maybe Arizona had a hard day at work with a long lasting operation during which she had no time to take a seat. Maybe I should offer some relaxation...

I mean I am famous for my ability to ease off muscular strain.

''You seem really cramped! But if you want I can massage you. And I am famous for those highly trained skills. I had a lot of practice already.''

I dare to laugh about my own joke in order to lighten the mood and take its seriousness away, but Arizona does not seem to find it a funny thing to say because she has a pained look in her eyes.

As if she remembers being punched into the stomach...

''Oh, what a nice offer. But you really don't have to do this. I usually tend to be tense in a new surrounding …''

Oh. I am a new surrounding?

But we already had a few dates...

While we eat I notice her left hand going down toward her lap and stroking her jeans gently.

Has she clammy hands already? Do I maker her this nervous or did I do something wrong?

''If you want to you could take a shower or so …'', I offer politely.

Again this hurt in her bright blue eyes.

What the hell?! Did I actually offer her to _shower_?! What kind of an idiot am I ?!

What should she think about me now? That I assume she smells?

"No, but thanks for the offer. Again. But I … just...''

''Then let us just eat for now. We can discuss everything else later.''

I see a smile appearing on her face. She _seems_ happy and exclaims with a million watt grin that barely reaches her piercing blue eyes: ''Yes! That's a good idea... You are a great cook. Everything tastes so delicious! I am glad we did not agree on holding this dinner at my condo, because I have not even half the cooking abilities you have!''

Another minute of silence with only cutlery scraping on plates.

''So, Calliope, how was your day?''

Yes … Great! I had a fight with Mark … But I won't bring this up now when we both seem on ease.

''It was great, really! I reconstructed the shin of a 26 year old soccer player. And how was yours?''

I can see her inner fight. Her hesitation clearly in her wide eyes and drawn together eyebrows.

''Mine was good, either. I saved a tiny boy who suffered a pneumonia but actually should get a tumor removed from his stomach. Just the ordinary, you see?''

I laugh at her plain description of her obvious talent.

''Did you roll to the OR with your Wheelies and performed some magic with fairy dust?'', I ask with a smirk on my face.

''Yes, you got it! All success is to blame on the fairy dust!'', she laughs either while drinking a small amount of wine.

I get a little more serious again because her smile captures me.

Whenever I see her laugh-wrinkles she kidnaps me into her magic world where everything is possible.

''Were you always this funny and cheerful nature?''

This awkward smile that does not reach her eyes again.

''Indeed. I always cheered up my family and classmates. I could make them laugh whenever they were sad.''

When we start to love, life begins to tear pieces from us and we fight until the end to put a little amount of them back in place.

Arizona never seemed to have a problem with putting those pieces back … Maybe I can borrow her super glue.

''So I guess your parents were happy to have a live wire as a daughter. It is a pleasure to have a daughter like you'', I say digging deeper in my mind.

My father would have been glad to have such a happy daughter.

I used to be the outcast that sat in the back of the classroom chewing on her hair.

But Zona must have been the perfect daughter!

''Tell this the Colonel...'', chuckles, ''But my parents also had their fair amount of struggles with me... but which parents don't?!''

We both ease into a comfortable laughter until silence dominates our dinner again.

Not much later we finish the dessert and I am curious about her plans: ''What are you up to? Watching a movie in pajamas and eating popcorn?''

The she cringes again. Is it because of me? Do I press her too much? Do I make her feel uncomfortable?

''… or something else?'', I suggest quickly, ''Bedroom maybe? … I mean only if you want to stay the night, of course!''

Oh, idiot! I wanted too fast too much and now she will leave because she feels trapped. Great, really well done, Callie. Now I screwed up and scared her right out of my door!

But Arizona replies in a totally different way: ''I'd really love to!''

With great joy in one second but a moment later this bubbly mess is gone and makes place for a darker expression I never saw on my blonds' face before.

''But if you don't mind … there are a few things you should know before we let ourselves enter this in a rush-''

OK... now she literally scares the shit out of me.

But I do love her!

So I brace myself for what may come before I not: ''All right. Go on!''


	2. Arizona

**A/N:**

**The second part of the conversation. From a new angle.**

**Mentions of self-harm. If it's not your cup of tea then please skip this chapter.**

**Ah, Disclaim: All characters belong to Shonda Rhimes. Nothing is mine and so on...**

2nd. Chapter: ARIZONA

I wait a long time before I am ready to knock.

This will be the first time I allow a friendship to last long enough to survive the fourth date.

But when I finally let my knuckles make contact with the wooden door I am rewarded with a big smile.

''Hey, come in. Even in time.''

As if I was ever late! Getting her irony I punsh slightly Callies' upper arm.

As soon as I enter I dare to speak up: ''Thanks for the invitation. I was really looking forward to it.''

After Callie took my coat she offers me now a glass of wine and asks me to take a seat.

I take it and use the time when Callie is occupied in the kitchen to examine the surrounding.

Suddenly I feel a stinging pain that reminds me of the bygone hours and causes me to tense up.

I try to ignore the pain but while I straighten my back I can feel the band-aids pulling.

I sense how they tighten and stretch and fear they will rip apart from my skin.

Calliope who took in the meanwhile the opposite chair offers unprepared: ''You seem really cramped! But if you want I can massage you. And I am famous for those highly trained skills. I had a lot of practice already.''

I understand too late that she is joking.

The fear already made it to my head and is clearly displayed on my face now.  
Because if she would lay a hand on my back without me wearing my shirt she would see all those hideous scars!

''Oh, what a nice offer! But you really don't have to do this. I usually tend to be tense in a new surrounding …'''

My left hand goes down to my thigh where I left only hours ago the last reminder of what a broken mess I am.

I can clearly feel this improvised bandage which I put on in a hurry.

And so I had no tome to apply any antiseptics; just a Kleenex that is fixated by two band-aids.

I remember how I stood in front of my mirror, rummaging through my closet for a trouser where Callie would not see the bandages' outlines through.  
But it still feels warm and as if blood is seeping out...  
Stop being ridiculous and stupid, Arizona! The bleeding stopped after 15 minutes.  
I know this time limit out of experience, because I did not dig the blade deep enough to hurt any artery but still deep enough for the wound to scar.

Of what seems like decades ago I used to do it on my wrist but I soon realized those pink and white lines are too obvious. So today there are only a few fading scars which I cover with a wristwatch or bracelets.  
I soon moved to my thighs that look by now like a battle field but by no means a chaotic one! All lines are placed neatly next to each other. No crisscrossing.

Callie suddenly interrupts my train of thoughts: ''If you want you you could take a shower …''

''No, but thanks for the offer. Again. But I... just...''  
… need to change this bandage – soon – or otherwise it will get infected.  
But when should I do this?  
I will neither today nor tomorrow be alone long enough!  
I press down to feel the pain. This pain distracting me from the panic that is rising from my very interior.

Why can't Callie see the pain?  
Why the hell can't I stop pretending?!  
Why does she not know about the secrets I hide?...

''Then let us just eat for now. We can discuss everything else later''

I give her one of my well practiced smiles that I don't even have to force anymore after over 15 years of rehearsing.  
Before I can think I hear myself answer: ''Yes! That's a good idea … You are such a great cook! Everything tastes so _delicious _! I am glad we did not agree on holding this dinner at my condo, because I have not even half the cooking abilities you have!''

After my statement silence takes over before I ask a question I could kill myself for.  
''So, Calliope, how was your day?''

I cannot prevent myself from thinking about my own...

I had to get a 16 year old girl hospitalized after her suicide attempt.  
I was able stitch her wounds but I could by no means mend her shattered soul.  
I was not able to heal her fears and struggles … and that's what broke me today!

After I felled the papers for her inpatient treatment I headed towards a stocking room to find something sharp.  
I indeed found a razor but it is not as easy to get the razorblade out of a shving instrument as many think!  
It's noisy and tricky and needs an extern utensil to brake the blade free.  
Sometimes this process takes over ten minutes.

And yet I never thought about the obvious – using a scalpel since working in a hospital – because a scalpel is for _saving _lives.  
Not for _causing pain _to survive.

After Callie tells me her day was good, she asks me about mine.

''Mine was good, either.'' And I tell her a tale about how I saved a boys' life … Which I actually really did but this is nothing in comparison to how I screwed up today!

It's all about hiding it! I try so desperately to keep it from being found out that I forget to live.  
Forget to accept that I do good work with saving the children.

Does Calliope know what I am hiding?  
Please!, I beg, Look deeper than the clothes I wear and the lies I tell!  
Examine my skin – it will tell you the truth!  
Only by watching a person you will never know what is displayed on her body – which stories her body tells.

The Latina opposite me does not even consider something dark like this at her ''bubbly blond''.

It is really a strange feeling that no one will know about what I did, even though we talk and see each other daily.  
Have discussions about various subjects.  
But I learned to make myself invisible, to fit in, to just talk and chatter like anyone else.

And suddenly Callie teases me on my statement which I almost forgot already: ''Did you roll to the OR with your Wheelies and performed some magic with fairy dust?''

I agree with a ironic remark which I forget as soon as it left my mouth.

But suddenly Calliope changes tactics and decides to dig through my past: ''Were you always this funny and cheerful nature?''

''Indeed. I always cheered up my family and classmates. I could make them laugh whenever they were sad.''

And this is one of the seldom truths I told this evening.

No one ever saw me cry. Not once watched me someone being sad.  
Too afraid to show my real me I, I decided early to put on a show.  
Even though I was shattered I let no one see through my façade.  
Only at my last year of high school my girlfriend found out.  
This was also the first time I allowed closeness and not pushed her away entirely.  
And because I let my self-control slip she saw that I was in reality not the good-tempered girl I pretended to be.

Calliopes' remark about how pleased my parents must have been makes me smile half heartedly.

Yeah! Sure! If they were able to they would have been kicking me out of their house.  
I broke my family by doing this to myself and not being able to stop.  
I became so cold.  
Everything inside me began to free slowly.  
And yet as time passed, our relationship became better again.

''Tell this the Colonel!'', I have to chuckle as I imagine how Callie tells my father how happy and proud he must be to have me as a daughter, ''But my parents also had their fair amount of struggles with me … But which parents don't?''

After we finish our tasty dessert my hostess suggest to change into Pj's' and watch a movie.

And again panic grasps my brain and lets only one thought appear: Callie would see me naked!  
And would hate me because of how ugly I made myself. Of how ugly and broken and damaged beyond repair _I_ _am._

_''… _or something else? Bedroom maybe? … I mean only if you want to stay the night, of course!''

I do sense the hurry in which she adds the last part, but that is what I dream about!  
I'd love to sleep by her side … but then she would find everything out.

But she is not supposed to _ever _find out what I hide underneath my soft fabric.

But I guess … I really love her … I really love her enough.  
That is when I made my decision.

I give her the best and most honest smile I can manage.  
''I'd really love to!''

Then suddenly my heart begins to race and fear takes over.  
I dread her reaction, because I never told my true story before.  
But Calliope deserves nothing less than honesty.  
I could not live with a lie hanging between us, damaging our … relationship … in the end.

A little quieter ad not laughing anymore I go on:  
'' But if you don't mind- … there are a few things you should know before we let ourselves enter this in a rush.''

I can clearly see Callies fear of what is bout to come.  
Of what I am ready to tell her.

And yet she manages a ''All right. Go on!''

She is such a strong person, … falling in love with her is the best thing ever happening to me!

**A/N 2:**

**So please let me know wether this is total rubbish or quite ok. I appreciate any points of view :)  
But please tell me what you think about it :)**


	3. Callies Reaction

**A/N:**

**Thanks to**

**OnlyTeardrops, Guest and Calzonafan123 who asked for Callies reaction I decided to make my readers happy :D  
Even though I never intended this to be longer than two chapters, here is the third and a fourth will maybe be ready tomorrow.**

**Please tell me what you think (:**

3rd Chapter: Callies Reaction

Oh my! What am I getting myself into?!

What can Arizona mean by her statement? Has she stolen something from the supply room?  
No, that's stupid... But she really scares me by the kind of voice she uses.  
Well, what good do I do when I conjecture? My mind will only play tricks on me, so it might be better to just shut up and listen.

I can clearly can see Arizonas shifting. Not sure where to begin and what to tell.

So I reach across the table and take her hand, carefully not to move in a too fast motion. I want to show her that she is save here, with me.

''It's ok. Take the time you need! Just start at the very beginning!", I try to offer as much support as possible.  
To give her another moment to gather her thoughts I reach for my glass of wine and take a small sip. And then another one.

''OK. Please don't hate me."

I feel the strong urge to say I could never hate you, but I bite my tongue. Assuming this would only cause her to struggle even more.

''I used to be one of the popular girls in high school, you know?''

At this moment I realize she never told anything about her childhood. Well at least on very rare occasions...  
But I indeed imagined her as one of the famous one everybody adored and wanted to be friends with.

"I was in most subjects top of my class, had straight A's but never neglected my make-up and cheerleader practice. So I was famous but not the bitchy kind of popular.  
Nonetheless I had managed to have enemies … One girl and her clique – the footballers girlfriends – loved to make my days as hard as possible.  
Calling me a fat and ugly whore is the loveliest of their comments.''

What the hell?! Did they call her ugly for no reason? I mean she is the beauty in person. And lovely and caring … is this aiming towards an … Eating Disorder?

"At the age of 15 I had my first girlfriend and it was still kinda new to the Colonel … And he was shocked. Really shocked in the beginning. He shouted. Shouted and threw a temper tantrum for hours. He didn't look at me for about a week and this with my authority issues did nothing good to lighten my mood after coming home from a stressful schools day.

Of course my father accepted my … sexuality in the end but it was not easy for him.''

I always thought he was the perfect role-model father that accepted her gender preferences without much ado. But obviously she had to fight for her fathers acceptance quite long.

"I began feeling so empty … so worthless and never good enough. I was losing more and more control in an increasing number of parts of my life.

I had to deal with so much pain inside that I could no longer take it and needed a release."

The blond waits. Looking into the distance. Her body is sitting opposite me but her thoughts aloof.

Where is she aiming at? What did she do to stop the emptiness from consuming her... What would I have done... ? I have no idea... Drinking until I can no longer remember anything? Or self medicating... Defenitly something where I lose all of my memories about yesterday.

"I needed this release so badly. I needed something that was stronger than the pain I felt inside. Stronger so that it would make me forget and concentrate only at the exact moment.  
I broke … I had a razor for shaving … ''

Tears roll down her eyes. Cascading down her reddened cheeks. I feel sympathy for her but I also know that if I interrupt her now she would not find the strength to go on.

"... and broke it." A sad laughter. "It took forever and I was so afraid that my mother walk right into me while I did it.  
So that was my first cut. Not too deep, but it helped. It is so much easier to deal with physical pain rather than emotional pain. I felt like the void everything had caused was filling again. And it was a _great _feeling! I have nothing to compare it to...  
I felt whole and in control again for the first time in what felt like years.  
From then on it became my coping mechanism..."

More silent tears that stream down her face.

But the main emotions that controls me is shock! Pure and unprepared shock!  
I do not know what to say. Or do.  
I am not even sure about how I feel... I don't hate her but I also don't feel disgusted.

A am only afraid … of doing something wrong and damaging her even more.

My heart hurts... It weeps … for her.  
I can't even begin to imagine how much strength it must have taken to tell me finally the truth.

Arizona goes on: "I can picture that you don't understand how causing pain should help, but ..." She sounds so sad! Like her parents judged her for whatever she did.

"... it is like finding light when you are surrounded by complete darkness. And this pain is the only thing you own, the only remaining lifeline that helps you to climb out of the abyss called life and mayhem."

So she really always buried herself behind her quick-witted appearance...

I have to ask her! "So you... lied?! You never were the cheerful and happy kid?"

"Calliope, I did not lie! I hid behind this mask in order to protect my lifeline. Who would expect those … dark thoughts … at a funny and smiling girl? – No one.  
And that was – and still is – what I want,"

So I was right... _That_ is not her.

"And you _never_ told anyone? No one ever found out?! What about summer? Did you never go swimming?"

I cannot believe she was able to keep it from being found out! I mean how much of commitment does this need? You have to do without so many great things!  
Going swimming, wearing hot-pens – which must look great at her beautiful legs! – , visiting a doctor, just tan in the sun with only a bikini-clad body … I could go on!

"I made sure nobody finds out and I never asked for help..."

That gets me off-guard. I thought she at least talked about her issues to a professional!

"You never were in … therapy?! You never saw a psychologist even though your behavior is far beyond normal?"

She gives me this patient look I can't really stand. Like you know the answer for a equation and try to explain it to a first-grader.

"Calliope, for me it _is_ normal! – the things we do daily become sooner or later a part of us; a part of our life – so it was never something I wanted to change … or _could_ change. I don't know how I would behave if you'd take my coping-mechanism away."

I can see her brain working. Working really hard in order to figure out a way how she could survive. I hope her thoughts do not go into the direction my mind is heading … suicide!

"Do you know what you are saying?!" I almost shout. "You don't want to change? But … you … you are broken! And I want help you being mend again, Arizona!"

"I never found another way that helped me like … self- … self-harming does.  
Believe me I tried countless times, but I never found one! So yes, I do not want to change! I mean, I don't hurt anybody with my behavior, do I ?!"

My Zona almost screams and seems so angry with her wet cheeks. I never experienced her like this. So dissolved.

A long silence in which I try to figure out whether I feel hurt by her actions or betrayed or something else... I have no idea anymore … about nothing!

But finally I find my voice back again to tell her about my emotions:  
"My heart is bleeding, because I know there is so much pain inside you so that you feel the need to carve into your skin to cope with it.  
I feel unbearably sad... but also ashamed." I see her questioning look. "Ashamed that I never noticed! That I believed your foolish behavior."

But her eyes tighten with compassion: "You can't blame yourself, Callie." She reaches for my hand, I withstand the urge to flinch away, "I never let anyone close enough to let them actually get the _chance _to notice..."

Silence erupts again and hovers heavy like an old blanket over us.

Suddenly Arizona jumps out of her chair and grabs her coat out of my closet. "I should be leaving", the blond utters.

But I feel like I have to stop her!

"No! No, please stay! I just... need a second."

Quieter: "Of course."

And for my luck she really comes back again, but takes the dirty dishes into the kitchen to clean them up.  
I can't move or leave my seat. I just sit there, staring into the distance.

"Could I offer you the massage again?", I try to break the silence again but with a totally new background now.

She comes over to me and I guide her to lay down on the sofa. With an unspoken agreement she leaves her top on her upper body, not removing it yet.

I climb to her side, gently stroking her blond hair.

Finally I find the courage to ask her the question which is burning inside of me since the turning-point of our conversation.

"Can I see them? I mean … only if … I just don't want to offend you … -forget about it! Please forget I even as –"

Arizona interrupt me mid-sentence.

And smiles an honest, yet shy smile.

"No offense taken at all.  
I never showed them before – to no one. So it is kinda hard for me, too.  
It is somehow … I feel ashamed."

But she lifts her shirt over her shoulders and throws it onto the ground.

"Of course you can see them."

And there on her hips. On her stomach. It seems to me they cover every part of her body. They are like the stories of her life.

A fight. A disgrace. A guilt. And one for shame. One for giving up. One for losing control. One for being not perfect. One for being unworthy. One for disgracing her family. One for god knows what!

It is her past mixed up with her present – all of those white, pink and red lines tell me about how broken she is.

I rub massage oil onto her shoulder blades.

"I know this is no comparison, Arizona. But I suffered severe depression with 14 or 15. I was in a deep dark hole without sunlight reaching the ground. But I made it past it.  
I had great support and I think … we can overcome this together."

I pull her into a gentle hug to give her shelter and the feeling of having found a home. A warm place that dries all off her tears …


	4. Arizonas Story

**A/N**

**Last chapter!  
Just for you guys and gals I pushed my creativity through a night shift!  
Arizona just did not leave my mind and so I completed this FF :)**

**Please tell me what you think about it ! :)**

4th Chapter: Arizonas Story

Shit!

What did I bring myself into? This is a surrounding I can no longer control...

Damn! I promised myself that IF I _ever _had to tell this stupid story I would. Not. Cry! There is nothing there that is worth shedding tears. Every single one would be a waste of energy.

But why do I suddenly feel this burning in my eyes?! And as soon as I want to start talking my throat is getting sore.

How the hell should I get through this conversation like this?

''It's OK. Take the time you need! Just start at the very beginning!"

Callies says in a soothing voice. Trying to calm me down she reaches across the table to take my hand. Grateful for the support I state:

''OK. Please don't hate me."

But suddenly – when I want to begin telling my story – I don't know nothing anymore. Only darkness! No thoughts would keep coming. All those memories and pictures that usually overwhelm me are now absent. They will not enter my brain no matter how much I force them.

But then I decide to just delve into my high school years...

''I used to be one of the popular girls in high school, you know?

I was in most subjects top of my class, had straight A's but never neglected my make-up and cheerleader practice. So I was famous but not the bitchy kind of popular.  
Nonetheless I had managed to have enemies … One girl and her clique – the footballers girlfriends – loved to make my days as hard as possible.  
Calling me a fat and ugly whore is the loveliest of their comments.''

And it really was!

They once ruined my DNA-extraction experiment which I prepared for biology class.

Another time they ripped my homework apart that I had to hand in in order not to fail it. But they stole it before I even had the opportunity to hand it in...  
Later they poured coffee over my sheet music right before my concert started. I had to play it by heart...  
As if this was not enough the wrote on the toilet mirror 'Arizona R.: Dyke! You fat and ugly bitch!'

From then on her clique called me fat … every day- until it has manifested into my brain because I started to believe it... So I slipped from disordered Eating into an Eating disorder which developed over the years.

I go on: "At the age of 15 I had my first girlfriend and it was still kinda new to the Colonel … And he was shocked. Really shocked in the beginning. He shouted. Shouted and threw a temper tantrum for hours. He didn't look at me for about a week and this with my authority issues did nothing good to lighten my mood after coming home from a stressful schools day.

Of course my father accepted my … sexuality in the end but it was not easy for him.''

Hell was my father furious at me! I did not dare to look at him for over a month. Whenever he sought eye contact I looked away...

I started hating everything out of nowhere. Nothing was good enough anymore. Not for him and not for me.

"I began feeling so empty … so worthless and never good enough. I was losing more and more control in an increasing number of parts of my life.

I had to deal with so much pain inside that I could no longer take it and needed a release."

I remember how I tried countless methods.

I went jogging for 5 miles every evening in order to get rid of those feelings.  
I played my violin to an excessive amount until I got tenosynovitis. And not only once!  
What else did I do?  
Just siting there … doing nothing for hours … just staring and not noticing how everything happened. Ho the minutes were flying by.  
But I never really allowed myself to cry.

"I needed this release so badly. I needed something that was stronger than the pain I felt inside. Stronger so that it would make me forget and concentrate only at the exact moment.  
I broke … I had a razor for shaving … '', I continue my story.

Remembering the first cut is just so painful. So exactly what I needed.

I finally found my right surviving technique...

"... and broke it."

I laugh a sad laugh while I see myself fidgeting around with the plastic. Frantically trying to break it but failing miserably.

My mind is only dominated by the thought of fear about my mother. That she could be walking into the bathroom every second and would find her daughter with a razor blade in her hand. It's not like I had an explanation that would have made any sense to her...

"It took forever and I was so afraid that my mother walk right into me while I did it.  
So that was my first cut. Not too deep, but it helped. It is so much easier to deal with physical pain rather than emotional pain. I felt like the void everything had caused was filling again. And it was a _great _feeling! I have nothing to compare it to...  
I felt whole and in control again for the first time in what felt like years.  
From then on it became my coping mechanism..."

More and more tears are cascading down my cheeks.  
More and more of them leave my eyes and burn like acid on my skin.  
I deserve no tears. I mean I decided on this life!

Callie seems so sad. So shocked!  
It hurts so much to see the shock and pain in her eyes.

What have I don?! I never wanted to make her feel … whatever she is feeling that makes her evidently sad.

"I can picture that you don't understand how causing pain should help, but … .. it is like finding light when you are surrounded by complete darkness. And this pain is the only thing you own, the only remaining lifeline that helps you to climb out of the abyss called life and mayhem."

I kind of feel guilty for giving her the speech I gave my parents found out. I mean how I know she has no idea of how this is supposed to be right and helpful.

But I was not prepared for Callies accusations: "So you... lied?! You never were the cheerful and happy kid?"

But I did not lie! I mean I did not tell the truth either, and yet I did not lie. At least not about this fact...

"Calliope, I did not lie! I hid behind this mask in order to protect my lifeline. Who would expect those … dark thoughts … at a funny and smiling girl? – No one.  
And that was – and still is – what I want."

Yes. This is what I want. What I need from deepest soul to make it through the day.

Callie starts to speak again:

"And you _never_ told anyone? No one ever found out?! What about summer? Did you never go swimming?"

No. I never went swimming. I actually did not see a swimming hall from the inside since my 14th birthday. Bu I did not even miss it. So I had more time to learn and become a better student...

"I made sure nobody finds out and I never asked for help..."

In fact I always was too afraid to ask for help. To admit my weakness and my doubts and my problems. I could not bear to know others know about my failure.

"You never were in … therapy?! You never saw a psychologist even though your behavior is far beyond normal?"

"Calliope, for me it _is_ normal! – the things we do daily become sooner or later a part of us; a part of our life – so it was never something I wanted to change … or _could_ change. I don't know how I would behave if you'd take my coping-mechanism away."

It has just become so ordinary that I can't imagine living without.  
But as it is with addictions, they extinguish your will to fight.  
It has only happened so often that it is nothing too special anymore.

"Do you know what you are saying?!" Callie shouts angrily.

"You don't want to change? But … you … you are broken!"

That is the first time someone else than me says I am broken... It makes all of this finally real and I can no longer deny it, just as I did for years.  
No I am weak and so vulnerable!

" And I want help you being mend again, Arizona!"

It hurts so much to hear this. To have to listen to this being said out loud. It feels just so wrong and out of place!

"I never found another way that helped me like … self-" I struggle to even say this word. I never pictured it being actually tat hard! !  
" … self-harming does.  
Believe me I tried countless times, but I never found one! So yes, I do not want to change! I mean, I don't hurt anybody with my behavior, do I ?!"

I don't hurt anyone except me physically! And I mean _I _have to make it through yesterday to survive the present day – not someone who might be affected by my actions.

And _I _have to keep living today to be able to welcome the next sunrise! Not she.

But the silence that covers Callies apartment tells me otherwise.  
I know I hurt her feelings without intending to. But I did and now I can't take it back.

Silent tears reach my lips and taste so salty like they never did before. My throat hurts so much that I only want to rip it out and stop talking. But I know we are not yet done...

Suddenly my Latina interrupts my roaming mind:  
"My heart is bleeding, because I know there is so much pain inside you so that you feel the need to carve into your skin to cope with it.  
I feel unbearably sad... but also ashamed." I give her a questioning look not sure what she is ashamed about  
. "Ashamed that I never noticed! That I believed your foolish behavior."

But she is wrong with this. She is in no way guilty for my actions! And if I never wanted this to be found out than I had my ways to cover everything.

"You can't blame yourself, Callie. I never let anyone close enough to let them actually get the _chance _to notice..."

Unfortunately the silence takes over again and I feel so trapped and heavy that I jump up and head to the closet to get my jacket.

"I … I should be leaving." I have to. I have to bring distance between us. I can't bear her shocked and guilt-ridden eyes!

But her pleading stops me.

"No! No, please stay! I just... need a second."

What else can I do than to follow her polite asking? She deserves it. She deserves the chance to take me under cross-examination.

After that Callie brings up a topic we discussed hours ago: "Could I offer you the massage again?"

I let her guide me towards the sofa where I lie down in a comfortable way. It is so soft that I totally forget to take off my shirt to allow her a better access to my back.

Callie gently wipes my hair away from my shoulders before she mutters:

"Can I see them? I mean … only if … I just don't want to offend you … -forget about it! Please forget I even as –"

I have to smile because I totally forgot to offer it. I mean I was not even sure whether she wants to see those hideous scars or prefers to keep them away from her sight. Covered up as usually...

"No offense taken at all.  
I never showed them before – to no one. So it is kinda hard for me, too.  
It is somehow … I feel ashamed."

I really do! It is the first time someone other than me sees my body naked... at least my upper back area... which is covered in scars.

"Of course you can see them."

I can't look into her eyes as she examines the old ones and the new ones that tell the story of my life if you know how to read them.  
They are the language of pain. They are m_y_ secret language. The foreign language I speak best … But the one I speak for so long already that it almost has become my mother tongue...

Callie rubs the massage oil in gentle circles into my skin. After this she reveals something from her own past:

"I know this is no comparison, Arizona. But I suffered severe depression with 14 or 15. I was in a deep dark hole without sunlight reaching the ground. But I made it past it.  
I had great support and I think … we can overcome this together."

She pulls me into a gentle hug that ensures me she would not let me down. Her warm embrace affirms that she will love me unconditionally, like my parents never really could.  
I guess I have found a place that I can solemnly call home!


	5. Authors Note

**A/N**

**Some of you asked if this story will be continued...**

**Well frankly I did not plan to get it even 4 chapters long but I saw how many of you are reading this.  
And so I just wanted to say that if you want it to get longer than I will most likely rethink my decision...**

**But I have no real idea in which direction this should be going...  
It would be really awesome if you could review or PM me and give me some idea, suggestions and so on , or scenes you would like to see/ read.**

Some suggestions would be really nice to give my creativity a power boost :)

**Thank you so far  
E.J**


	6. One day at work (Callie)

**A/N**

**Hey :)  
Had a weird dream this night which gave me the idea to write this chapter.  
The next one is the same situation out of Arizonas sight but I planned another chapter already...**

**So tell my if you like it so far... :)**

**That will make me probably write faster :D**

Chapter 5: One day at work (Callie)

"Yeah, sure Mark. Whatever you say!", I comment on one of his fishy comments about women.

"Oh, hey look. Blondie is ready with her Operation."

As soon as Mark tells me about her coming closer I turn around.

"Hey, Zona!", I greet her eagerly, "Did you rock the OR as you always do?"

But she does not even listen to me, just walking straight toward a direction I recognize only seconds later.

No, No! Not this time. Defenitly not! Not when I am around.

Something must have gone wrong during her surgery!

I catch up with the blond hair that is about to enter a door.

"No, Arizona! You won't go into this supply room now!"

Even though I want to mix sympathy into my voice it only comes out harsh. More serious as I want it to sound.

"Callie, leave it! That is none of your business", she mutters under her breath.

Her eyes are still dull and she does not show any sign of affection. I definitely need to get her out of this state!

"Oh, Missy, it is with certainty something of my business! And I won't leave you alone right now. No matter with which words you are going to insult me.!"

Hopefully she will back down now. I don't know if I really can prevent her from the plan she is trying to put into action.

"No, You just don't understand! I _need_ to be alone. Just … leave it!" Suddenly it feels like someone inside her changed a switch, because her eyes become furious out of nowhere.

They are no longer distant but ready to argue until she gets her way.

Her voice so loud I flinch in the beginning: "Callie! I mean it! Just … I had a tough day and don't have any nerve to argue with you right now! I am losing it!"

She grabs the door handle, but I won't let her destroy herself!

I snuggle my arms around her from behind, effectively restraining her arms from opening the door.

"Callie!", furiously Arizona kick and shouts and screams like a five year old child that is throwing a temper tantrum.

She tries to force my arms apart and I have to admit she is stronger than she seems to be. And yet I won't let her off this easily.

"Calm down, Zona! I am here. I will help you!", but I only reach deaf ears...

For another few minutes she kicks around and tries to free herself. Tries to get closer to her release.

Suddenly her moves weaken and she quits fighting like an idiot.  
But only one second later I sense she is hyperventilating. Great!

"Zona! I need you to take deep breathes. Like these:" I put my hand at her lungs and press her even firmer against my own ribcage. After a few moments her breathing stabilizes again but she is still too weak to stand on her own.

I whisper into her ear: "No. This time we will deal with it together. You are no longer alone!"

Because I can no longer offer the support she needs I let both of us sink towards the ground, where I snuggle her trembling body neatly against mine.

At the second I tear my concentration away from the blond but to the lobby instead I see nurses, surgeons and so many other people who are interested in the scene Arizona and I delivered.  
But this is too private and nothing they should be interested or concerned about!

"Have you never seen a surgeon grieving for a patient?!" All my anger is bubbling out and aims directly toward those passer-by.

"No?! You did never? Than you are not even half as committed and a great doctor as Dr. Robins is!  
So stop staring like you have nothing else to do!"

And obviously my little speech left some guilty conscience because the crowd lightens until there are only a few nurses left.

I remember the female frame that is lying on my lap. She seems so broken... only by losing a life. I know that sounds cruel but as surgeons we became used to not being able to save everyone.

"Arizona?" I whisper, waiting until I get a slight nod in response. "I will hold you as long as necessary, but we will make it through this together.  
You will no longer have to survive those … situations on your own."

The blonds arms tighten around my waist, evidently afraid I could be leaving. But I won't!  
She is a part of me and I can't see her suffer!

But I also know she will not be able to overcome those struggles by herself.  
I know she needs more support than I can offer. Far more!

I stoke her hair gently. I can still feel her tension that won't be leaving in near future. But I also assume that today will not be the first time that she has those thoughts after an operation went wrong. And yet I know that if she really wants this release she will get it, no matter how hard I try to stop her.

Arizona has her ways to get what she wants.

I am sure about that fact...

And still do I hope that I can change something, that I can show her that this is not the best way to deal with her emotions.

"Can you stand?", I ask cautiously.

I brace myself for the rage that may come now from the petite blond lying on the ground.  
Another deep breath, than I will start talking!

"I arranged a meeting with an intern therapist which you _will_ attend. Either on your own accord or me forcing you right through his door!"

I hope I made my point clear!

Even though I did some research – and the numbers are frightening – I think that she can recover!

I mean, some statistics said that if treated in a time frame of one year after starting self-injury the recovery probability is around 80%. But the more years pass untreated the lower are those chances... There were no exact statistics but they said that it is most likely that everyone who goes over five years without professional help will struggle a life long with this issue and the recovery probability is below 40%.

But my Zona will do it! She has to … for me...


	7. One day at work (Arizona)

**A/N**

**This part out of Arizonas POV...  
**

Chapter 6: One day at work (Arizona)

The heart monitors usually steady beeping suddenly stops and is replaced by irregular squeaks.

No Maya! Not now!

"Teddy, do something!", I shout while I am still handling her broken legs.

"I'm already trying to fix it, but I am barely able to stabilize her!  
Arizona, she has an innate heart failure. We knew the high risk of a cardiac arrest!  
I'm trying my best – Attention! Paddles at 200! Voltage! Step aside!"

From everywhere comes a faint 'away' and Teddy starts shocking the girls heart in order to bring it back to beat in a normal rhythm again.

Like I am in trance I watch the monitor and can't tear my eyes apart from it. But nothing. Only a merely visible rising of the line.

"Load to 250!"

"Away"

But still nothing.

"No Maya! You … You have to survive! Your parents are waiting out there", I try to negotiate about her life frantically.

I can't lose you. Please, just please, come back!

Like in a hypnosis I stare blankly at the screen, not noticing anything that happens around me.

Only the monotone note the heart rate detector is playing.

I exit the Or, no longer able to bare the knowledge of having killed another innocent child.

Supply room! This thought halls over and over in my mind. I have to get there as soon as possible.

I don't take any clue of my surrounding. Barely able to figure out where I am heading, but my feet know the way all too well.  
I went there countless times.

At the moment I grab the door handle I feel a hard tug at my shoulder that causes me to turn around.

"No, Arizona! You won't go into this supply room now!", I hear Callies determined voice.

But I have to! I can't stay this empty feeling full of guilt!

"Callie, leave it! That is none of your business", I try to convince her but failing miserably at my attempt.

But who am I to believe that the fierce lLatina would back down this easily.

She tries again...

"Oh, Missy, it is something of my business with certainty! And I won't leave you alone right now. No matter with which words you are going to insult me!"

When I realize she really means it I start getting angry. Really angry. The sort of temper tantrum angry!

"No, You just don't understand! I _need_ to be alone. Just … leave it! Callie! I mean it! Just … I had a tough day and don't have any nerve to argue with you right now! I am losing it!"

I almost scream in the end, not really caring about my tone of voice at all.

But only moments later strong arms grab me from behind, because I tried to enter the room against Callies liking.

Just leave me alone, you stupid-! You don't know nothing!

I don't care whether people are looking at me, gossiping about my behavior! I just need to get in there!  
This feeling inside me is eating me up! I can't take it any longer...

I kick the brunette with as much force as I can manage.  
Moments later I shove her roughly away – not really succeeding, but at least I try.  
Surprised by my own strength I hold in for a second, afraid Calliope may fall due to my harsh push.

"Calm down, Zona! I am here. I will help you!", Callie whispers soothingly into my ears.

But I feel too trapped to let her win my fight, I need to get out of here!

After that thought I can feel the panic rising again. This feeling that gives you no longer access about your own body. It denies you to take deep breathes and think properly.

And before I even notice it I am hyperventilating...

Fortunately there are still those strong arms that offer some support, because I won't be able to stay on my own. She saves me. Again.

"Zona! I need you to take deep breathes. Like these:" I feel her hand on my ribcage and I sense her skin through the soft fabric she is wearing.  
After a few seconds I manage to adept my breathing to hers. And finally I can breath slowly again no longer in need for her guidance.

I hear her saying another promise about not leaving me alone.

But those are empty words she will forget as soon as she said them. No one was ever there for me. Why the hell should this change _now_?!

We fall to the ground together. My body lost all its tension and so I allow myself to lay my head into her lap, not caring about anything anymore.

I am lost in my memories though I can hear Callie speaking up. Yelling out loud.  
She exclaims something to my defense which I can barely understand because my brain just works so slowly.

Every thought drags into eternity!

I lay limp at Callies thighs, not really able to move.

Only one thought is able to cross the fog, so it gets clear: Withstand this urge!

Urge. _Urge! __**Urge! **__**Urge!**_

It is the only thing that helps me to survive this situation.  
Otherwise I will roam around for days not able to be useful for anything.  
Just a dull mess whose thoughts are going through a roller coaster!

Suddenly I can hear Callie is talking to me: "Can you stand?"

I nod, sure she wants me to go back to surgery asap to save at least another life, to repay for my previous sins.

But she demands something totally different:

"I arranged a meeting with an intern therapist which you _will_ attend. Either on your own accord or me forcing you right through his door!"

No! I won't be going! What good would it do?  
My recovery chances are far below 20% or something. This bullshit has become a part of my life. It has become _my life!_

No mater how hard I would try … I would always slip back... and everything would start anew... And then another relapse... until I can't take it anymore.

She wants me to see a shrink?! Fine. But he will tell her the same!

**A/N 2**

**I guess you all have an idea of what the next scene will be :D**

**Nonetheless I really need some suggestions how to continue and I assume some of you have some awesome ideas! Please don't hesitate to PM me...**

Could you tell me what you think about their story so far? Big thanks to all who review 3


	8. One session of help

**A/N**

**I can only talk about my own experiences concerning therapy...  
I struggled to trust my therapist and be honest, so i sensed everyone might have those troubles somehow...  
**

Chapter 7: One session of help

Honestly?! Calliope really managed to drag me here? Like a little child.

I could kill her right now!

Shit! This is just too soon. I never even wanted _that _and now it comes totally unprepared. I had barely 20 minutes to brace myself for what may come.

This is all getting out of my control! And all I want to do is take this damn razor out of my back and slice it across my thigh.

But suddenly the male doctor opposite me clears his throat to attract my attention.

His legs casually crossed, a clip chart on his lap.

Geez! This is ridiculous! I made it 15 years without and after only two weeks of knowing this woman she made me see a shrink.

"Dr. Robbins. So your girlfriend"

My thoughts interrupt him: Callie introduced herself already as my girlfriend? She is quite fast forward... but I hoped for quite long that we will call ourselves this finally. So why not now?

"So your girlfriend called me, concerned about you... Can you tell me why she thinks you need professional help?"

This is so wrong. So so wrong!  
I am only wasting his time... I don't even_ want _ his help.

Finally I find my voice: "I have absolutely no idea! I mean I don't _need _your help. I'm fine by myself."

Quieter I add: "Have been for 15 years now."

It's just like my mind needed this. Like it tried to make sense out of my statement and so it added this last comment.

Dr. Erics raises his brows.

"So whatever it is you are going through lasted for 15 years?"

I examine the room I am sitting in – his shelves suddenly more interesting than answering this question. And even though I try to find a suitable answer... there is nothing but darkness inside my head.

The therapist appeals to my conscience again: "Dr. Robbins. You are a doctor yourself and you know that you need to tell me where 'it hurts'. Otherwise I won't be able to help you.  
And you _want_ help. Otherwise you would not be sitting in _this _chair in _my_ office."

Yes sure, as if I had any choice!

I mean Callie literally dragged me right into this!

"My girl- Callie thinks I need help! That was _not_ my decision at all", I try to sound reasonable, yet failing in my opinion.

"But she really seemed concerned when she phoned me..."

Oh my god. Callie means it! She _cares_! She actually means it... she won't let me down.

"...And when your girlfriend is concerned than you should be too. But … maybe … if you tell me what's going on … I can calm her fears, because she overreacted."

Contrary psychology! Great. I gather my strength for a few moments. Breathing in deep.  
Now or never... Truth come out:

"... she did not. She is right...", my voice is so quiet that I am afraid he will not understand and makes me repeat it!, "I no longer control my addiction... it controls me.

But I don't want help, because you'd make me quit it but I can't live without it.  
I would not survive—"

I crack, not able to fulfill my sentence. Not able to make it whole and … right.

Dr. Erics scribbles something down in my folder. That's strange to say...  
_My. Folder._ This is all about me now. No way back... I am sitting here now... This appointment is solely about me and my stupid little … secrets? Struggles? Problems? Issues? Whatever!

I'm not worth it!

After he is ready writing down he murmurs something, frowning in my direction.

"What kind of addiction are we talking about?"

No. I never told the truth about this. This is going too far. Beyond the things I can take.

I just have to go back to the bubbly and funny blond everybody expects. So easy!

"Just... Just forget it! I can handle myself. It is nothing major, really!"

"Could I convince myself about this? Just tell me..."

I smile at him wildly, hoping he would understand I don't want to talk about it now.

"OK... alright... can you at least tell me what caused the addiction?"

Knowing that this is an even harder question to answer I hide myself in my thoughts.

Usually pictures appear always. As soon as I close my eyes they accompany me. When I sleep, daydream...

usually those pictures from the past keep coming without permission but now … now I live only in the present. No memories come – like they just don't exist.

Not remembering anything is as hard as to deal with a flood of memories...  
Both are exhausting...

Usually I am self-confident... at least I can make other believe I am, but all of a sudden I feel so small, so unimportant and that is the moment where normally the pretending takes over...

I can't tell him anything true, because my mask has gone up to protect me.

Every attempt of honesty is gone. I am just too afraid of being judged.

I mean whenever I want to answer honest I can't get rid of the feeling that everyone is judging me...

But I know Callie trusts me. She has faith that I will do anything to become better... even if it means confronting oneself with your deepest, darkest demons which you buried ages ago and never intended to deal with again.

You just want to forget they ever existent... and there _are_ seconds where you are successful...

Like right after waking up in the morning... everything seems to be right again, because the first thought never goes to the stuff you have to deal with in your life.  
No. the first though is usually about emptiness. All of my thoughts are empty, but then I see my room, recognize a note I wrote the day before...  
And then it hits me again with as much force as every day: Today is nothing different...  
It's about waking up – surviving – going to sleep. Over and over and over again.

Day in, day out.

But I can change this. _Now!_

"Cutting", I whisper as silently as possible.

"My addiction is cutting."

**A/N**

**I guess many of you want Callie and Arizona be the perfect and understanding couple, but this is just not what I think is right.**

**In my opinion that would not be realistic, hence I will try to show how I imagine Cally would react in reality and struggle too.**

**Also how Arizona is torn between different emotions she feels and how everything affects their relationship – in good ways and in bad.**

**I also wanted to ask you if you like this 'two-perspectiv-chapter'. Well, if you don't like them please tell me ...**


	9. Don't tell me lies, Arizona!

**A/N**

Hey :)

Another chapter ready...

Next one will be up immediately.

8th Chapter: Don't tell me lies, Arizona!

I sit on the sofa, a book resting in my lap. It could not get any more kitschy, could it?!

Now she finally gets her prince charming … Oh so realistic...

A cracking of the door frame draws my attention away from the book, towards the entering blond woman.

Oh, sure she wants to tell me about her progress! Maybe they even figured out a way to stop, already...  
I hope she tells me that everything will be easier and better from now on.

I wear a big smile on my face when I ask Arizona: "Hey, Zona! How was your first appointment?"

And I do expect her to start rambling as soon as I voiced my question, but nothing comes out of her mouth.

Only death glares pinning me down.

"Arizona? Did the both of you already-"

But the blond interrupts me mid sentence, not allowing me to end my thought.

"Drop it!", she mutters angrily. With even more force: "I don't want to talk about it!"

What is up with her?! I mean, she should be happy that everything will be better from now on.  
She should start telling me how much this session helped her!

When I started treatment for major depression the first appointment was like … it was kinda a savior. So why does my pretty girlfriend not want to talk about tis?

She throws her bag angrily into the corner, not bothering to smile at me.  
With a grumpy expression on her face she leaves towards the bathroom, not even allowing me to contradict or tell her my thoughts.  
That's so unlike Arizona! She usually argues about everything until both parties are happy with the decision that was made.

But now she left me standing alone like a forgotten umbrella.

While I try to get my mind straight and force my thoughts to lead into a different direction than Arizonas behavior, I hear a buzzing sound out of her purse that is still lying on the ground.

"Zona! Your cell phone is ringing!", I shout as loud as possibly, desperately trying to drown out the showering noises.

But when she does not notice my attempts I walk towards her bag.

She is my girlfriend after all!  
So I assume she would not have any problem with me taking a look.

I rummage through the countless contents, Jeez! What does she carry with her?! Bricks?  
This purse is kind of heavy!

After a few seconds I found what I am looking for. Her phone.

Seven missed calls, – that's unlike her, I wonder.  
Ahh, and the newest income: An Instant Message.

Should I read it? I mean it's not like this is any of my business...

But finally my curiosity wins over my conscience and I take a look and read through it.

"Hello, sweetheart. :)  
We do know you don't celebrate your birthday, but we hope you enjoy your very special day nonetheless...  
We love you so much,  
Mom and Dad."

Whoa. What is this about?!  
This can't really be, I mean she never said that today is her birthday!

I don't even have any presents for her … Why did she not tell me about it? I am her girlfriend, why don't I know this not even private information?

And why does my Arizona not celebrate her birthday?

I love surprise parties … maybe I should arrange something quickly …

But before I could make a final decision the bathroom door opens and towel-clad blond stands next to me in no time.

With furious glares she rips the cell phone out of my hand and gives me no time at all to explain this.  
She yells: "Callie, what the hell are you doing with my cell?!"

Not answering her question I reply as calm as possible: "Zona, why did you not tell me today is your b-day?" I mix a little hurt int my voice: "I am... I am your girlfriend... I thought I should give you a very special present or at least organize a party..."

Her face holds pain. No longer anger, but sheer hurt.

Grabbing her phone even tighter she explains in a low voice: "I don't celebrate. I never did ..."

I dare to close distance between us...  
While taking hold of her lower arms I go on: "But why? That is the best day of the year! Better even as Christmas, because it is solely about you.  
This day is supposed to be perfect!"

I can feel her hesitation to be honest and yet her answer tells me she does not tell me the truth.

"I just never liked parties... I never was this … kind of girl that liked standing in the spotlight..." Oh, a pathetic excuse!

"Come on! Don't tell me lies, Zona! I don't believe this tale!"  
I really don't.

"Jeez! Why do you have to know everything about me? Why do you care at all if today is my birthday? Why are you interested in why I don't want to celebrate it?  
Can't you just take something for given, once?!"

Her angry voice disturbs me, to be honest. I did not insult her or something...

"No, I can't! You are my girlfriend and I guess I deserve to get answers for my questions.  
I never asked you to reveal any earth moving stories, I just want to know why you did not think it is necessary that your girlfriend knows when your birthday is!"

Her face undergoes a couple of changes, emotions clearly displayed by each of them.  
It finally ends in tension which is proven when she starts to speak with a quite forced voice.

"You want to know the true story? Fine, than you will get it!"

OK, she _is_ furious...

"Birthdays are something we get for free.  
Year after year we celebrate something we never earned or had to work hard to get it!  
We take those days for granted, so why should I throw a party to honor this day?  
It is nothing that requires effort!

Well,... I used … I used to celebrate my recovery-anniversary … from … an- … anorexia.  
This was something I had to fight for _daily_ to be able to celebrate such an honorable day once a year, either.

But then … I slipped into self-destructive behavior and broke with the habit of allowing presents, because I did not deserve them any longer … still don't do today."

She trails of. Wow, another secret whose revealing must have taken her a lot of courage.  
I mean, I already assumed she suffered an eating disorder during her youth, but now that it is confirmed … I have certainty!

I want to hug her so bad, but I guess that is what she would hate most at the moment.

And I can't bare making her even sadder...

So I try to find a question that would make her feel better and finally find one:

"What was the best present you ever got? I mean one that really surpassed your expectations by far?"

She does not think long about it and when a smile lits up on her face, I know for sure she found the right reply.

"The best and most surprising present I ever got was for my 2-years recovery... It was my first own violin! It was amazing! I never would have expected to get such a great present from my parents... My first violin, … I mean that is such a special moment when you finally _own_ the instrument you are playing and no longer have to borrow it!

It changes your whole relationship towards the music you are playing..."

The sparkle in her eyes does not leave when she stops talking, seemingly thinking hard about something while she examines me.

"I somehow can feel you have the heart of a musician, either...  
I mean I heard you singing while you were in the bathroom and you do have an gorgeous voice, but I believe there is more... So which instrument did you learn to play?"

I try to set up a surprised facial expression to show her I have no idea what she is talking about.

"What do you mean? I don't play any instrument ..."

But inwardly I wonder where the hell she know about this.

"Hey, don't tell me lies, Calliope! I know you do!"

Why is she so convinced about this? I did not even tell Mark about this! So where does she know about it?!

Finally I admit: "I hated it and I don't play very well. I mean, I can't play anymore at all ..."

I think back at my first lesson. A little me sitting on a chair, barely tall enough to reach the keys, not wanting to talk about the pedals!

Arizonas laugh interrupts my train of thoughts totally and tears me away from my memories.

"Just tell me, Callie! It is nothing major. I will find out which instrument it is sooner or later, so why don't you simply tell me?"

I look away, embarrassed, not even sure why I am embarrassed myself.

"Piano. I learned to play the piano."

**A/N**

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	10. Don't tell me lies, Calliope!

**A/N**

Here is the conversation out of Arizonas POV.

Have fun reading :)

9th Chapter: Don't tell me lies, Calliope!

This day was so exhausting! Talking was never this hard, was it?

Hopefully Callie and I will have a nice evening, cuddling and maybe watching a movie or something.

I insert the key into the lock, turn it and enter Callies apartment.

I am greeted by a stupidly bright smile that already starts seeming ridiculous!

What has the Latina in mind?!

"Hey, Zona! How was your first appointment?", sure! Asking me about therapy. That was what she wanted: hearing how much better I feel!

But it seems wrong! This is my stuff to deal with and I can't share this right now. I am by far too embarrassed!

I mean we did not even come to a proper conclusion today... more of the kind: we will continue right there next time, take a minute to think about your feelings right before you do it.

With empty stares I pin the Latina at the wall, not letting her ask further questions.

"Arizona? Did the both of you already-"

I can't take it anymore! Does she really not understand that I don't want to talk about it, or does she simply ignore it?!

"Drop it!", I say under my breath, but with more volume: "I don't want to talk about it!"

Why can't she give me space? I feel so trapped again! So much that it already hurts.

Out of frustration I throw my purse in the closest corner, desperately for some opportunity to let off steam.

I storm into the bathroom right away, not caring about Callie who is I left alone like I don't care about her the slightest. But that's not true! She means _everything _to me...

When I am done showering I enter the living room again and see Callie standing in the corner where my bag is laying, staring at her hands.

While I approach her I realize she is not staring at her hands but rathe cell phone …

wait! _My_ cell phone!

I head over to her angrily and yank the phone out of her hands.

"Callie, what the hell are you doing with my cell?!", I yell full of desperation.

But she replies with a strangely calm voice for which I envy her somehow: "Zona, why did you not tell me today is your b-day?I am... I am your girlfriend... I thought I should give you a very special present or at least organize a party..."

It hurts so much to finally know what others combine with their birth days. For them it is like a gift... For them it is the best thing that happens annual.

Silently I scream... But in the present I keep my voice low: "I don't celebrate. I never did ..."

"But why? That is the best day of the year! Better even as Christmas, because it is solely about you.  
This day is supposed to be perfect!"

It will be so much easier to lie, rather than tell the truth...

I can't decide on what to tell... Until my automatism takes over...

"I just never liked parties... I never was this … kind of girl that liked standing in the spotlight..."

Callies harsh reply does not take long: "Come on! Don't tell me lies, Zona! I don't believe this tale!"

Why can't she allow me to keep some parts to myself? I own nothing anymore if I tell her this story behind me disliking birthdays.

"Jeez! Why do you have to know everything about me? Why do you care at all if today is my birthday? Why are you interested in why I don't want to celebrate it?  
Can't you just take something for given, once?!"

But Callie starts getting angry just as I am.

"No, I can't! You are my girlfriend and I guess I deserve to get answers for my questions.  
I never asked you to reveal any earth moving stories, I just want to know why you did not think it is necessary that your girlfriend knows when your birthday is!"

Maybe... I should be honest. She does deserve honesty and sincerity, but I never preferred being honest... I usually used the way that was the easiest to pass.

It hurts so much to lie to her and yet it feels better this way.

And yet I start finally telling the truth:

"You want to know the true story? Fine, than you will get it!"

But I won't let her off this easily and so I mix anger into my voice.

"Birthdays are something we get for free.  
Year after year we celebrate something we never earned or had to work hard to get it!  
We take those days for granted, so why should I throw a party to honor this day?  
It is nothing that requires effort!"

Why the hell should I celebrate anything that I had not to work for?

Where would be the sense then? We celebrate A-levels because we earned them after 12 years of hard and difficult labor.

"Well,... I used … I used to celebrate my recovery-anniversary … from … an- … anorexia.  
This was something I had to fight for _daily_ to be able to celebrate such an honorable day once a year, either."

Now she knows another secret: My struggles with an eating disorder.

It just slipped out, I never intended this conversation to be a revealing talk!

"But then … I slipped into self-destructive behavior and broke with the habit of allowing presents, because I did not deserve them any longer … still don't do today."

I am trapped again … in my own thoughts that lead me back in time... Back to being 14 and barely eating. I sit at the table, the concerned looks of my parents scrutinizing me...

Maybe she tries to change tactics to lighten my mood, because she asks finally: "What was the best present you ever got? I mean one that really surpassed your expectations by far?"

The first thing that comes into my mind is a beautiful memory.

"The best and most surprising present I ever got was for my 2-years recovery... It was my first own violin! It was amazing! I never would have expected to get such a great present from my parents... My first violin, … I mean that is such a special moment when you finally _own_ the instrument you are playing and no longer have to borrow it!

It changes your whole relationship towards the music you are playing..."

Getting up early I found a case lying in the kitchen, right behind my breakfast.

The single look of it tells me what it is: Something I craved for so long, I can#t even remember the time I started wanting it.

Suddenly this is not anymore _a_ violin, but _my_ violin which I will have to care for like a pet.

I remember the concert I was so excited about, and then, right before the concert Jaquelin stole my sheet-music. And when I searched for it they told me she ripped it apart.  
Great! How shall I survive this concert?!, my younger me thought.

But as soon as I entered the stage I realized I did not even need this sheets.  
I imply closed my eyes and let my hands take over … and the result was the best concert I have ever played since then.

I force my attention into the present again and suddenly realize Callies stares after I told the story of my violin.  
They look somehow … understanding! Like she experienced the same situation!

"I somehow can feel you have the heart of a musician, either...  
I mean I heard you singing while you were in the bathroom and you do have an gorgeous voice, but I believe there is more... So which instrument did you learn to play?"

She fails miserably with trying to appear surprised.

"What do you mean? I don't play any instrument ..."

Why does she makes it so hard? It is so obvious if you know what signs to look for.

"Hey, don't tell me lies, Calliope! I know you do!"

Come on Callie! No games... I just want to find something else that connects us... Music is such a strong thing which can help you survive some dark hours.

"Just tell me, Callie! It is nothing major. I will find out which instrument it is sooner or later, so why don't you simply tell me?"

She hesitates... Waits a few seconds in which she looks down in embarrassment.

"Piano. I learned to play the piano."

**A/N**

**Please review!**


	11. The things that matter

**A/N**

**So maybe this clears some things about the ending of last chapter...**

10th chapter: The things that matter

Now those damn memories keep coming!

Why the hell was Arizona so interested in my musical education?!

But I am not sure whether I am ready to share this story and why this holds so much pain and embarrassment...

Although I know that Arizona shared almost her whole story of life with me I can't start talking about it... It just feels wrong!

I get those dark feelings again. Those I had during my darkest times of my depression.

Where I felt too weak to even visit school...  
this feeling when everything starts so crumble and with every passing day you become a bit less of yourself.  
You lose more and more pieces until at one point you forget you ever owned them.

"Hey, was it that hard?", I hear Arizona asking, not experiencing the slightest how hard playing – even sitting in front of a – piano has become.

"Yes", I admit, "Yes it was this hard!"

I examine her confused expression. She has no idea at all...

She can't understand why one would be lying about something simple as a musical skill. Just as I cannot understand how one could be lying about ones birthday!

Sometimes we can only understand something if we have been through the same...

Arizona guides me towards the chairs.

"Now it's my turn to listen, Calliope. Tell me, why does this memory hurt so much so that you suppress it even!?"

I swallow hard. Take an even deeper breath before I start.

"I used to play with my best friend often when we were children, I mean.  
We had so much fun! Sometimes we played four handed ans we loved our rehearsals together.

We usually hold them at my families house and we were really good – that are my teachers words!"

I laugh. The first time I ever laugh while telling this story.

"She often begged me even to hold another lesson at my home.  
I always thought it was because she liked our house … And it was part of her motive, but …

… But I never expected what I was about to find out...

When we were 14 I asked her so often to hold a rehearsal at their house but she never agreed.  
I wondered and called her strange and kept teasing her that she liked my family better than her own.

How right I was...

One day I got the news that … that she killed herself.

For me it came out of nowhere!  
And so I called her grandma – I knew she was close with her – who finally told me my friend was sexually abused for years.

But she herself found it out only one month ago, but the police never found any evidences...

Until the day of her suicide... where she could no longer deny a rape kit..."

I take a look at the blond before I continue.

"My conscience killed me!  
I mean we were bff since second grade and I _never_ noticed anything.  
I should have helped her!  
But now it was too late for remorse.

Her suicide was the final trigger for me that made me spiraling down the abyss.

I did not leave my room anymore.  
Kept my room dark.  
Never ever touched this piano again, because this was the one thing where we were happy together.

And I knew I could not ever be happy while playing it alone.

Yes... Now you know why I did not want to tell you..."

Arizona says nothing, just staring at me with compassion in her eyes.

"But why did you not took up playing again in order to honor her?"

One question that hits me hard.

"Because whenever I started to press down the keys … I had her picture in my mind and it would not leave for days.

It just hurt too much to know that we will never ever play together or laugh or talk or anything just because I never asked her what was wrong when she did not want to go home."

Tears well up in my eyes at those memories...

"Callie. You can't blame yourself! It is enough that you punished yourself for something that was not your mistake!  
And I mean if even her grandmother found out too late how should a young child have known about it earlier?!

You are not guilty! It was her decision to commit … suicide."

Why can't she understand that it is more than that?!  
Mayka sent signs … She never wanted to leave my house.  
Never invited me over …  
Never wanted to be around her father...

But I simply ignored them because I had no idea that they were from any significance...

"It might have been her decision but it was mine to keep living!  
Even though I did not deserve this!  
I could not save her so I stopped living either and yet I could never commit suicide successfully.

I took an overdose at 15 but could not swallow enough before I was found.

What kind of a coward am I?!", I almost shout this last part, because I can't stop talking anymore...

"Calliope, it has nothing to do with being too weak and not brave enough to kill yourself.  
It was just your friends soul that told you you have to keep living, for her. To honor her...

What good would it have done when no one had survived to tell her true story?

And that was why you survived .. you had a task to complete."

Yes, of course!  
I hid in my room, too afraid to face reality ever again...

But I was not strong enough to tell the truth of her suicidal motives. And that is what matters!

I was not as brave as she was to survive hell, I gave up before I even entered...

And so I can't even face a photo of her or a memory without breaking down...

I can't even face a _piano_ without going crazy...


	12. Sharp around the edges

**A/N**

**Hey there :)**

**Here is the next chapter which carries a WARNING.**

**I don't want to lead anyone into a relapse, because I know how hard they are when you are already on the verge to … yeah, you know. So please only read this chapter if you feel comfortable to being confronted with an Eating Disorder and Self-Harm.**

**Might be triggering...**

11th Chapter: Sharp around the edges

I turn around, dragging the comforter with me.  
A soft murmur from Callie tells me she does not like being exposed so I pull the blanket back over her pj clad body.

Carefully not to wake her I exit the bed and tiptoe into the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for the day.

I examine my reflexion, but I barely recognize the girl staring back at me. Usually I turn away as soon as I see a mirror, but some magical force orders me to keep looking.

I can't tear my view away... I try to smile and force the dimples that fooled so many people even more years into believing I am perfectly fine.

Suddenly I hear Callies soft voice: "Zona, please, come back to bed!"

"Callie I can't. I have to get ready. Have rounds at seven...", which is actually the truth.

Then sleepy footsteps approach the door, knock once and enter a second later.

"Fine, if you can't come back to bed... then I will accompany your shower..." A big grin appears on her face, revealing she has some ulterior motives in mind.

"-No!" How can I talk her out of that?!  
"I... I mean the … shower is kinda small and..."

Her eyebrows raise, because when I am close to her my natural ability to lie goes on the rocks. I just can't make up a story that seems to fit...

"Why don't you want me to shower with you?" That's Callie. Not avoiding the topic but letting her tone of voice be cold, distant, matter-of-factly.

Without thinking about telling her my reasons I sigh.  
Great, Arizona! Really great work... Already pissing her off in the morning...

"It's alright. We can... It's not about you- You can undress and I will-"

She interrupts me with a sultry voice: "Oh no. _I_ will undress _you_! No arguing. You won't win after all."

My inside crumbles, because my heart wants her to rip the clothes from my body, but my brain tells me over and over I have to make her stop!

And yet I let her proceed.

She grabs the ribbon of my shirt, indicates me to raise my arms and pulls the top over my head.

With soft fingertips she traces my collarbones. Places a lingering kiss on my sternum and even though I desperately want her to continue I feel so numb. So unworthy of this gentle treatment.

Oh Callie! Please don't go on! You will hate me!

But she does...

she grabs my sweatpants and pulls them down to my ankles. After that she lifts one of my feet to drag the trouser away from my heated body.

I do feel the arousal rising, but I force it to stay where it is, not allowing myself to show my affection.

When Callies view traces my legs up to my pelvis she sees what I dreaded most.

"Arizona! I thought you are feeling... better!"

I bit my lower lip hard. So hard I fear it will break and start to bleed.  
I press my fingernails into my palm to stop my heart from racing and  
I shut my eyes as tightly as possible until I see white shapes.

I wanted to avoid this. All of this! But now it's too late...

"Callie, I … I am so sorry". _No, I am not_.

My throat hurts, because I feel the pain I am causing my girlfriend.

She traces the two fresh cuts. One deep enough to require stitching, but I never do this.

Both had scab. Both once were ready to heal. My body was starting to make the broken skin whole again...

But I stopped it. I did not want it to heal this easily... as if nothing ever happened...

I tore the scab away, yesterday. Not thinking about Callie who may notice with her eagle like eyes.

I frankly did not care about hurting her...

Her touches case the cuts edges to go numb again. They only sting a little, but as she places a soft kiss on them something breaks inside of me.  
Like an earthquake that reduces whole landscapes to rubble.

"Zona. I thought you stopped..." I can almost hear her tears coming and now I am the guilty one again.

"It's not that easy", I confess silently, not wanting to provoke her more.

"Why didn't you talk to me? I am your girlfriend... I am supposed to help you in situations like that!", she demands, but I can't give an answer.

My throat is dry, my windpipe doesn't allow enough air to pass.  
I can't answer, because my head is empty again.

What should I reply? Yes, she is my girlfriend... But when you grow up in the believe that the truth is something dangerous, lying becomes something easy and natural...

I sometimes can't help it.

"I know, but... I am just not used to having someone close enough to … to talk about my feelings", I admit not sure whether this is a lie or the truth.

Maybe she is sad or angry. I don't know anymore.

But nonetheless she stares into my eyes, leaving the bathroom.

With a cold voice she announces that she is making breakfast.

So I am left alone in the callousness of those four walls that used to offer comfort...

Fine. Callie wants me to stop?  
I know_ one _thing that is strong enough to help me survive.

It is a dangerous place which I am about to enter, but for Callies sake I will.  
I am not sure if I want to cross this line again... This one that sends you over the edge when you are already on the verge of wanting to die.

And yet I know it will help me... Maybe it won't even be too hard...

And that is the moment I feel the dark thoughts are entering my mind again. The ones about which I thought I had buried and hid them somewhere I can never ever find them in my whole life.

But maybe I did not throw the key for the lock away but wore it inside of me for the whole time. For all of these years.

Suddenly I smell pancakes... Delicious... _No – disgusting!_

The hunger that every normal person feels as pain or at least as unpleasant starts to excite me again.  
This is no pain at all, it does not hurt like it is supposed to... but it rather feels right and pure and clean...

I get dressed and see Callie baking them, setting a plate in front of me.

"Eat fast, or you'll be late." still cold and distant.

"Calliope, look at me!" _I will be perfect again. For you!_  
"Listen, I will try harder from now on. I will heal faster and talk to Dr. Erics about it... And" I lean over the table and plant a soft kiss on her lips, "and I will talk to _you_ about whatever is bothering me, promise. OK?"

She smiles, telling me in a secret language that everything will be alright. That I will get a magic cure and will come back today as another person.

Those stupid hopes... I mean how shall one day change a whole life? A thing that has become natural?

No way at all... But I will not destroy her foolish hopes.

I stare at my plate. Three round _fat_, good smelling _disgusting_ pancakes... with marble syrup.

My stomach stings, craves them only because of their looks and smell...

But my stomach has to wait. I slice one of the breakfast cakes into tiny pieces.  
Slip one into my mouth and taste it. After that I drink a a big sip of water.  
Then another slice, chew, drink, swallow, drink, … Until I finished one.

Then I put the napkin down, thanking Callie for the food and head out of the door without saying goodbye.

This burning inside of me feels so familiar... so strangely right.

But at least I don't feel the urge to cut at the moment...

_This feeling is home. I know it from the inside out. Know all tricks to maintain it... From years of practice..._

No one is perfect at first... but you learn how to hide and fool and pretend...  
That's a dangerous ability with more disadvantages than benefits.

But who cares? As long as it helps making Calliope happy...

* * *

Before I headed to Callies I stopped by at my house to get some thing.

As I take out my keys to open her door I realize she is not home yet. Maybe an emergency call...

I enter her flat and put the black case down next beside me, cautiously not to trip over it.

Then I place it on the sofa and build up the music stand, quite confused I still know how to unlock the intertwined wings.

After that I kneel on the floor in front of my case. Carefully, as if it was boiling hot, I open the zipper and then the lock.

It smells like rosin and old memories enter my brain.  
I take a look at the pictures which I sticked behind the two bows when I was younger. One shows me with my brother, Another one a family pic and one was taken at a big concert with me wearing concert clothes. And the last one is my favorite … My first bow that broke at the point.

I trace the bows hair with my fingertips... it does feel familiar but somehow strange, too.

And yet I decide to unpack my violin.. I put on the shoulder rest and tense the bow, then rosin it.

Actually I am not even sure whether I am still able to play or not...

You have to try to find it out, right?

I place some sheet-music on the stand and raise the chin holder towards my face.

I take an A from the tuning fork and adjust the three other strings so they fit.

And after that I refuge into the land of music again to find a shelter from all those stupid things going on. I play and play and play, not noticing my surrounding.

* * *

When I come closer to my door I hear an unfamiliar sound. Soft classical music...

I turn the keys silently to not interrupt Arizona while she is practicing.

It sounds as if she was born playing the violin! It is so adorable to watch her body move along the notes she plays...

She plays a soft tune with a light bow. Really quite and with gentle edges. But only seconds later this ease is gone and is replaced by a sadness that seems to hunt you down no matter where you try to hide.

The music gets heavy and I am too stunned to move at all. I just stand there, observing the blonds body.

* * *

When I enter the -minor part the music starts to get heavy and sad. And my thoughts wander to my silver shining savior again. But then I realize the hungry feeling that develops because all I ate today was the pancake, one apple and one slice of bred.

But I embrace this pain. It is all mine and no one will ever notice anything and so no one will ever be concerned...

* * *

My Arizona does not seem to notice me, but I am glad about this because I can examine her freely.

She presses down the bow harder. Plays many notes with accents and with hard edges. Nothing is smooth anymore.

It is like a fight of will power whether the interpret is able to take and bear so much darkness. But Arizona does not seem to call this kind of music _hard to endure_ but rather _my world_.  
She does not seem affected the slightest at how depressing this music gets.

No matter how close we will get, she will always be a mystery to me.  
With some hidden places she will never show to anybody and no one will find uninvited.

Suddenly she stops playing. Looking in my direction.

"Wow, that was amazing!", I compliment.

I expect a 'How long are you already watching?' but that is not what is on her mind.

"Dr. Erics said I should take up some old habits... I decided on music."

It's like her resolution.

**A/N 2**

**Please review! Tell me if the developments are alright this way or if you'd prefer them to go into another direction.**


	13. Broken bones -- invest in love (Callie)

**A/N**

**I got the story idea while watching 6x08 Invest in love. Especially those both dialog parts...**

**Father: you know i can't believe... You are a big disappointment young ladie! A big disappointment!**

**Girl: Dad, please. The last thing I am is a dissappointment . I get straight As. I'm on honor. I roll the schools council, I basically am the school paper, I tutor kids with reading problems. I'm every parents 'dream come true'. Including yours.**

**Hunt: If I had talked to my parents like this ...**

_**Callie: Whoa. My father would have.. you know... you don't wanne know**_

**Yang: I had perfect grades, perfect record, yeah I said what ever I wanted and did whatever I wanted. My parents gonna do anything about it?**

**Ah and a warning: Spanking of a Minor.**

**Oh and please excuse the [maybe ] wrong bible quotation because I only had a German copy.**

**Disclaim: All belongs to ABC and Shonda Rhimes and so on...**

12th: Broken Bones – invest in love

We are in the OR operating a girl that broke 52 of her bones because of falling from a roof while being on Magic Mushrooms.

Geez, the talk she gave her parents about not being a disappointment just as they accused her to be. That was kind of brave...

While I try to bring back her bone into the right location Owen starts to talk:  
"If I had talked to my parents like this..."

And I can only laugh hard, trying to suppress the memories which come in floods.  
"Whoa... My father would have … you know … you don't wanna know!"

No, you really don't want to know. Believe me!

/FLASHBACK/

My vision is too blurred when I wake up. I cannot define who is standing above me-

wait! Why am am waking up?!  
Why the hell am I still able to _see_?

That must mean I did … I failed!  
No! Those pills were not enough! Shit. Shit. Shit!  
Now I have to survive all over again... I thought I finally found the courage to end it all... but even in ending everything I fail!

My mother strokes my hair, telling me we can leave as soon as I feel strong enough to.  
And I want nothing else but to exit this stupid hospital!

GA_GA_GA_GA_GA_GA

"Calliope! What is wrong with you! Did you really try to kill yourself?! What is the matter with you? You hurt your mother... she cried the whole day!"

I have never ever seen my father this furious... He is like boiling water that needs a release soon.

But by now I have stopped caring. Nothing is important anymore and so I decide to shout back:  
"Why the hell do you care whether I commit suicide or not? I cause more harm than good! You should be happy that I wanted to leave, Why didn't you let me go!"

Anger makes my voice sound hoarse and empty, but it does not matter.

"Don't you dare to talk to me like this!" his indexfinger is directly pointed to my head, like a weapon loaded with a bullet that is about to enter my skull.

"You are still my daughter and you still live under my roof! I feed you and as I do so I request your respect. Are we cleare?!"

This is the first time in my whole life where I am afraid of my own father. I have never ever seen him driven by blinde rage...

The situation won't end well. I can feel it deep down.  
I know I crossed a boarder I should have better not...

His eyes become distant. Like his mind made a disciosion and lingers miles away now. Somewhere where it does not have to witness the upcoming actions.

"Calliope. Listen carefully! This won't be up for any discussions, understood?  
You will get the belt from the wall in my office. The leather one. Then you will follow me into the cellar where I am waiting for you!"

My inside cramps. He really... he can't! He will not do that, … I am his daughter!

"Daddy, please! I … it will never happen again! Please, just let me explain it! Maybe you will understand then that this is about Mayka and-"

"Enough!" His voice is earth shattering and at this moment I realize that arguing will bring me nowhere.

And so I grab the belt with a shiver running down my spine and leaving me trembling legs and fingers.

I enter the dark basement. Just one little lamp offers light.

I approach my father slowly, hoping he decided diffenrently in the end... maybe he has changed his mind or this is just about showing me how serious he is about the toppic...

But I kknow that I am hoping for something that will never ever happen at all...

I hand him the black leather, barely touching it at the buckle, … not daring to because this will inflict a world of pain in a few moments...

I try to control my fingers that tremble uncontolled by now. I can't seem to force them under my control again...

He grabs it without looking at me. After that he turns away, talking silently but with much force: "Push your Jeans down to your ankles. You are allowed to keep your panties on."

Even more tears enter my eyes, as if they want to drown me. I already regret having talked to him like that, I really do!

But I am so afraid of him right now! That is the worst case... a scenario which I have dreaded for years … and it finally comes true.  
My throat is tight from fear. I would not be able to speak, not even if I wanted to.

How should I ever look him in the eyes again? After that he no longer can be the caring father... I will always see him in a different light... not as gentle but as callous...

This whole stuff – everything! – is so embaressing and not how I wanted it to be.

With my pants lingering around my ankles he guids me to a nearby table and puts a hand on my back due to which I am forced to lay flat on the desk. He presses my back down, my bend waist aching already mercilessly. And this isn't even the beginning!

"Calliope, I want you to quote Jesus Sirach 30, 1 to 13 while I punish you.  
Remember, this is just about what you deserve and not – as you may think – about me hating you."

He orders me to start, but the first blow comes so unexpected that I had no time to force my throat to start forming words.

It is a seering pain that errupts everywhere in my body. I cannot even say _where_ he hit me because it hurts _every_where!

Another loud noise and then the tough material connecting with my skin with an awkward whack.  
A second later I realize I am the one who is screaming those animal screams of pain!

"The longer you take to start, the longer this will last..." his voice is cold. Like this does not affect him the slightest!

Between each sob I try my best to remember those words written down in the Holy Bible...

Thhis is sheer agony … even though I knew my father was a man that has quite a lot of strength hidden inside his body, I never imainged him being _that_ strong!

I barely was able to speak and mostly it only came out as crying noises but finally I reach the last line:

„Incline his head during his youth..., spank him while he is still young, so that he will not become stubborn and unruly and so that he will not revolt against you... "

I cry even harder by now but he just does not stop. He keeps hitting me without mercy.

And blow after blow he tears my self-esteem away until only cries and screams occupy me … and unbearable shame.

Suddenly he stops. Out of nowhere no more hits break the skin of my thighs and back.

"Stand!", he orders harshly and grabs my waist to place me in a sitting position on the table.

This pain is almost unbearable, because I can't escape. No matter in which direction I shift – it is bruised everywhere!

On my thighs, my butt, … just no fleeing from the pain...

It is so hard to take that I see white shapes infront of my eyes while the remaining room blurrs.

In a desperate attempt to find my old vision again I try to hop off the desk, but my father won't drop it this easily.

"That makes ten extra minutes. And now sit and explain everything to me!"

Tears keep cascading down my cheeks while they never reach any aim. They just keep coming and coming and will never ever stop.

I tell him everything... About Mayka and her sexual abuse and me blaming myself. And how all things just got worse and about the piano and just all things that came to my mind.

/END FLASHBACK/

Yep, You definitely don't want to know!

If I dared to talk to my parents like that... then I would have had _big_ problems...

**A/N**

**The next chapter is planned already ;) It will be out of Arizonas POV  
Please review :)**


	14. Broken Bones

**A/N**

**Hey :)**

**Yeah, I have issues xD**

**But don't worry – this story won't go into the direction the last chapter went.**  
**This literally just came to my mind while watching the episode and I mean the way Callie says it sounds suspicious and reminds me of … OK, I am rambling ;)**

**This chapter only contains a warning for eating disorder...**

13th chapter: Broken Bones (Arizona)

As soon as I enter the apartment I let myself fall onto the sofa, too exhausted to walk any farther.

Callie messaged me that she has to stay longer because of a girl that broke 52 of her bones. How the hell do you manage to do that?!

This exhaustion covers me like a blanket and limits my thoughts speed. Usually they are on overdrive, like thinking three thoughts the same time.  
But now it seems they have to pass Jello before they reach a defined form that can be interpreted easily.

My mind stretches like chewing gum, but without tearing apart finally...  
Who knows? Maybe they will be sent over the edge this time.

I stare out of the window, not noticing anything particular, not trying to either.

This emptiness overwhelms me, again only to be replaced by a mayhem seconds later.

I never understood how there can be chaos when nothing is left? When there is nothing left for the chaos to destroy...

But I just learned to take it as given, not to question it further.

Another thought enters my brain and starts to clear its contours... one that has come to my mind way too often, so that it approaches me quickly.

It wants to force its intentions into my actions – its will should become my actions...

But this time they _will not!_

This time I will fight. For Callie. For our future.

I only sit on the soft cushions, barely able to move at all.  
I just watch the time pass, so my feet won't lead me into the bathroom where everything is hidden.

This time I will sit and wait until this feeling of numbness goes by...

… in case it will.

Finally I try to get up to get something to drink, but I can't move at all. Like all my bones are made of steel which is weighing me down. Which forces me to stay in the position.

Even every effort to speak is futile, because it is too exhausting to form words in my brain and make my mouth say them.  
It is like concentrating on a skill you never learned in your whole life and have to perform with every will power that is left.

Unfortunately I know this state too well... and I also know what would help me to improve my current situation-

_NO!_

I have to stay strong!

And so I let my mind roam around until it reaches Callie and finds some interest in bones...

Something philosophical wants to distract my thoughts-

When a small child runs, trips and falls and breaks a bone by accident, it will not be afraid of running again, will it?  
But when those broken bones are produced due to domestic violence or abuse they become a mechanism of conditioning.

'Repeat the action and you will feel pain'  
and soon these children are blindly conditioned like Pavlovs' dogs were...

Too afraid to speak up, because they learned that this will mean agony. The kids try to become invisible.

And soon they no longer need broken bones to stay silent and to not scream.

This conditioning is something that works almost always...  
I learned that I can get rid of disturbing thoughts and feelings by injuring myself and so it soon was the tool I used to keep me from having to deal with them.

It is like learning that the blade will you, always...

Even if it causes more harm than help... But I am not sure if I can accept this already...

Suddenly I find the strength to rise to my feet which walk me somewhere I don't really recognize.  
But as soon as I am in front of the bathroom door I Know what my brain wants me to do.

I walk through the door frame and get greeted by the mirror that shows me a hollow face with blond messy hair.

But I go past it until I reach a flat object lying on the floor.

The scale...

The one thing I loved as much as I hated it when I was a child...

I haven't weighed myself since late childhood and actually I would not do so, but some sort of inner voice orders me to.

This feeling is so weird... I mean on the one hand I really want to know the number but on the other hand I am so afraid...

I remember clearly how this scale can cause much more pain than a silver shining blade ever could...  
I do remember how being forced to look, how much weight I gained, made me cry an endless amount of tears.  
There is no chance at all that I will ever forget this feeling...

Finally I get rid of all my clothes and take a step onto the scale.

_Please! Please! Not too heavy! Please not more than 132 lbs!_

I don't dare to look down... But my curiosity wins at last...

130.46...

130.46... At least it is less than 132... But it is not perfect!  
For a 5'5 ft average but not ideal...

But I want to be on my ideal weight again...

I _need_ to be!

So I am too heavy. Great! And now I feel so ugly all over again...

Those thoughts start to creep into my mind … They shout _Shame! Unworthy! Undisciplined!_ As loud as they can to make me believe them.

I have to leave this bathroom! NOW!

And so my legs carry me into the kitchen...

Mh, maybe I could bake something... Callie would be happy I guess. If I greet her with some cake after a hard day at work.

But wait! Then I would have to eat it, too!

Based on this last thought I decide against baking something delicious.

Out of nowhere numbers enter my mind. Numbers about which I thought that I had forgotten them long ago.  
Deleted them from my memory … But even after a decade I remember them as if I just learned them yesterday...

I trace an apple that lies on top of the fruit bowl.  
75.  
But it's a big one. Make it 85!

My fingertips move on and reach our bread box. I try to ignore the voice, but it echoes over and over in my skull, forces me to listen!

_123 a slice. Add some cheese and you already have a 243 (or even more) meal.  
If you shove _that _into your mouth …. You fat and ugly – _

But somehow I am thankful for those thoughts, because they distract me from the emptiness inside of me.  
It is kind of strange... I mean no matter how deep I dig to find some positive emotions... there are _no_! Not at this exact moment...

Those thoughts fill my mind and help me concentrating again on the main parts of my aim...  
Becoming the perfect girlfriend!

That's the least I can offer my gorgeous Latina.

Suddenly I feel a dragging pain inside my stomach... That's the acid which has nothing to digest anymore, because my last meal was yesterday evening.

_This is the feeling of success! _The inner voice assures me. But is it really? Or is it just a relapse...  
I don't know anymore. I really don't know...

But somehow the thought of eating something makes me want to vomit. It seems so disgusting right now...

And yet my stomach grumbles loudly, begging me for something to turn into energy.

I take out a glass and pour water inside. Then I take a careful sip, then a gulp until I empty the whole content, in order to calm my jibbing belly.

A familiar feeling... and an even more familiar smile appears on my face while I put down the empty glass.

**A/N**

Please tell me what you think about it!  
Leave a review...


	15. A hard challenge

**A/N**

**Sorry for the long delay...  
School comes closer to vacations and so the teachers try to get their last grades done. And so they decide they think they have to write tests and even more tests... it's not like we have enough grades, already...**

**So here is chapter 14 and chapter 15 is already planned :)**

14th chapter: A hard challenge

"Zona, you got the shopping list?", my slightly hectic girlfriend asks.

"Oh, oh and don't forget to write down the noddles. We definitely need the noodles for my super great pasta recipe!"

Geez! She is driving me crazy!

"Of course, Callie. I wrote it down and the list is in my pocket. See? And now, lets go!"

. . . . . . G A . . . . . .

We enter the grocery store and the huge advertisement banners almost overwhelm me.

Usually Callie does most of the food shopping while I provide our home with all the other stuff, such as towels and hair shampoo etcetera.

'Eat this chocolate and you will be happy!' and under this slogan there is a huge mountain of delicious looking sweet temptations.

My stomach craves it and so my hand is almost grabbing a chocolate bar, but last second my conscience intervenes.

'No! No! You are ugly enough. Think twice before you let this disgusting stuff fill your mouth! If you let it – I am gone. Period. But you need me, and you know this!'

This voice is killing me. It really is. Whenever I try to destroy this never ending spiral it starts anew. And every time even worse than the one before...

"Zona! Don't hesitate. Just put the chocolate into the cart", Callie says without thinking further about my struggles to even touch it.

"Calliope, I'm going to grab some noodles for your _delicious_ supper!", I announce, already heading down the aisles, barely noticing her nodding.

When I finally find the right rack it is like this is a store itself.  
There are five shelves with different noodles, in all variations!  
I don't really know which one Callie would like to cook with, so I decide to study the labels.

I take bag after bag out and read through the ingredients and study the amount of sugar, fat and calories that are contained in one portion.

After maybe ten minutes I decide that I will grab the whole grained ones, because they have the lowest calories amount I could find.

Suddenly I walk into a somehow confused Callie.  
"Where have you been so long? I've been looking for you for over 10 minutes!"  
With a raised eyebrow she takes the bag out of my hand.

"You have been gone for so long and only managed to get the noodles? What have you done all the time? Counted them?!"

I am not sure whether she tries being sarcastic or if she is really angry with me, but I decide for the first.

"Yeah, kinda. I tried to find the perfect ones... The ones that make your special sauce taste wholer than whole. You know?"

She arches her eyebrow again. "Sure..."

But I guess she did not buy my story...

"OK, next we need..." Callie looks so sweet when she is a little unorganized and tries frantically to find what she is looking for.  
In the end she complains about me writing such a messy list and so I steal her memo to find what she could not identify.

"Cheese!", I announce. "You said we need cheese for the pasta."

Geez! I shiver while my brain imagines the huge amount of full fat cheese my girlfriend will be putting into the meal.  
And I have eaten today by far too much already!

That means I have to fast tomorrow completely in order to make up to the over-consume I have today.

Oh, and she also said something from a 'sinful-dessert' which she prepared yesterday already.

Great... I definitely have to find a way to work out more, so that I can get rid of those ugly extra-calories...

But when?!

I am close to a panic attack, because this big amount of deathly high numbers overwhelms me and I can't find a way to get rid of them.

They are like a mountain that I have to climb, but where I will never reach the top. Not to speak about coming back to bottom ever again...

Sheer horror consumes my brain when I notice that my girlfriend grabs some whipped cream... I just want to run!  
Run. Escape this situation and never be forced to eat this unhealthy stuff again.

I try to glance at the calorie amount in an not obvious way, but Callies seems to notice my failed attempts.

"You like the one with chocolate better? We can take this also..."

Thank god! She did not get it!

I just nod, but do not intend to ever eat it.

I will just say that I am completely full already and hopefully she will drop the dessert... Or at least postpone it to tomorrow.

Maybe I will be more ready to deal with the whole matter than...

I just don't know.

But what I do know is that I can't eat it today... or at least can't keep it down.

Suddenly I feel something warm on my lips and an intense energy takes possession of me.

Her lips are on mine and she kisses me until I almost run out of air.

"I love you so much, Arizona! You know that, right?"

I must look like a little school girl that has been kissed for the first time. It feels so … embarrassing!

"Yes, I know. I love you, too, Calliope!"

**A/N**

Please tell me what you think.  
Leave a review :)


	16. Believe in me

**A/N  
So as promised the next chapter...**

**Over 6,100 views: you are awesome!**

**So the things I used in this chapter... if you are interested ;)**

**write youtube's homepage in front and than enjoy watching**

**/watch?v=kwNFR4uMYBc (Arabesque Burgmuller)**

**/watch?v=o7byIXYsX7Y (Brother John)**

**.Imagine this being played by two different hands – and without the sheep! :D**

**/watch?v=mH1hYxC4DaU (Israeli Concertino) **

**.Obviously both had women had a loooot of practice, so Callie and Arizona play it much slower!**

**Please review :) thanks**

16th chapter: Believe in me

It's four pm and we just entered our apartment with those heavy shopping bags from the grocery store.

"Urgh. My feet hurt!", Callie exclaims and lets herself fall onto the sofa.

"I know what helps against the pain", I comment with a sultry voice.

Her eyebrow arches in this delicious way, but before she has a chance to answer there is a knock at the door.

Callie gives me a questioning look, but I have some idea who this could be, so I go and open up.

"You ordered this? Mrs... Torres?", the delivery man asks.

I give him a big smile before I answer: "Yes, well, Ms. Torres is not available at the moment, but I will give a receipt for the package. Thank you."

And with this I sign the paper, before I drag the heavy thing inside.

I almost can feel Callie's curiosity... What has she done now, says her face with a clearness that can't be more obvious.

"Come over! Help me unpack it!", I order into my girlfriend's direction.

"What the hell is that! It is heavy like...-"

She tries to lift it but fails almost immediately.

Then she gets a scissor out of the drawer and opens the closed edges.

"It's an E-Piano", I say matter-of-factly, but she stops every motion and her facial expression changes from teasing-joy towards anguish and rage.

"No! No. You can't possibly have done that! You know how much those memories hurt! Please, just... get it out of my sight!"

Tears are uncontrollably streaming down her cheeks and so I take the scissor out of her hand and guide her to sit down on the ground with me.

Slowly I snake my arms around her neck, pressing her head onto my shoulder.  
I feel the warm tears which soak my shirt immediately, but I honestly don't care. I expected her to react like this... Anything else besides this panic would not be human.

I gently stroke her hair in order to calm her down, but those angry sobs won't stop and the cries don't become quieter, either.

"Just wait and see, OK?", I make another attempt to take away her irrational fears.

"You just watch while I place it on the desk, alright?"

She ignores me simply which is an even petter sign than the yelling I expected. Sometimes her temperament gets the better of her without her even noticing...  
But I can live with this, this is what makes the fierce Latina to _my_ Callie.

I plug the piano in so it is provided with electricity, after that I turn on the current and press down a key.

Callie cringes like someone causes her physical harm, but I guess those are only memories that overwhelm her... I know how painful those attacks can be...

After I pressed down a few single white keys I decide that I should try and see if Mr. Connough had success with his stupid teaching methods...

I start playing an Arabesque which I of course had to learn by heart... and strangely I still memorize every single note.

This tune brings back memories. Unpleasant memories... But I decide to play it till the end, and not give up right here and now.

When I finish those quick notes these intense Melodie lingers in the air.

Callie stares blankly at me until she raises her voice.

"Wait! I didn't know you can play! Why didn't you tell me earlier? And why did you buy this stupid thing after all?! To torture me?!"

I can't help but grin. I mean a music instrument is after all only there to torture small children, but to provide great joy to everyone who made it past this horrible practice torment.

"I only started when I was 13 and played just 5 years. I had a horrible teacher, really! He was just... Never mind!  
Well, I ordered it because I want to help you heal!

Now I will be the thing you connect with the piano and with the lovely music you can produce. We will establish new memories. Good ones and they will make the bad ones fade.  
And now" I pat the place next to me, "Sit down and play with me!"

She makes no effort to stand up, but I know she is battling herself. Fighting the feeling of betrayal – that she would dishonor her once best friend.

But I hope the Callie living in the present wins this inner war.

And so does she...

Just one second later the Latina sits next to me :"Only for the records: I hate you for doing this!"

I try to put on my best appeasing smile. "I know. I can live with that!"

Seconds later I take her right hand and guide it to the c' key. I place my one two octaves lower.

Then I start playing Brother John and wait for her to jump in, but she does not...

Her thoughts seem to be aloof, because she stares just on the keyboard not noticing anything, not even that I started playing.

Maybe she needs time. Did I push her too far?!

But all of a sudden she shakes her head and gives me an intense look.  
I start all over again and this time she gets her entry correctly.

We play this simple canon like two amused children that just started playing the piano half a year ago.

But this does not matter, we are so close. As close as we have never been before. With only thoughts dividing us.

When I am finished a smile is on my lips. A light one, no deep enough to reach my voice, but still.

"That was great, Calliope!"

But I can see in her eyes that she is still haunted by fear and hesitation and the feeling of betraying someone.

I reach next to me and give Callie some sheet music.

"Can you play this? I mean, we could both fight our demons together... with music... Music can heal and offer comfort... Maybe we find this in rehearsing together...?"

She watches me closely. "Yes." Silently. Remorse in her voice, "Maybe we can try... But this pain is deeper than music can reach. It has shattered a part of my heart that not even music and my once beloved piano can glue back together..."

"let's see." Maybe it can. Maybe this music will tell each others story and will break down the walls we both established in the past.

Maybe those tunes can be our savior...

I let her practice it for a while... But even though she hasn't played in years everything becomes better soon. In the beginning she struggles with every single accord, but after maybe an hour she becomes more and more fluent, until a sparkle reaches her eyes.

I take out my violin to accompany her soft playing. A little slower, in a rehearsing speed, we explore the Israeli Concertino.

This will – if Callie agrees – be our piece to play until perfection...

But all of a sudden, as we finish the first part, my stomach reminds me that I haven't eaten very much today...

A loud growl interrupts the silence.

But Callie does not seem to find this extraordinary.

She smirks: "Yeah, your tummy is right! We lost track of time, didn't we? I'm starving, too... Let's get supper, but I doubt we will be able to eat my famous pasta due to the lack of time... Let's just order some delivery..."

**A/N**

**Please review and tell me your opinion or criticism or questions or whatever :)**


	17. Top-full of direst cruelty

16th chapter: Top-full of direst cruelty

One month... One month already... 30 days...

I should be proud!

But all I want is-

My hand lingers over the penknife I hid in the part of my sleep-over bag no one would look at. So I made sure Callie won't find it by accident.

I am about to throw all my achievement – 30 stupid days of fighting like a maniac – out of the window... For the silly relieve I will get from opening my skin.

But it is all I can think about at this moment.

He steel is heavy and the blade's silver reflects the moonlight that barely makes its way through the window, because clouds block it like the fog that occupies my head.

I try to concentrate on the alternatives I worked out with Dr. Erics. Relaxation techniques. Breathing. Running an ice-cube over the sensitive skin. Painting on my skin with sharpies. Writing and making music.

Nothing helped. Nothing eased the panic and the tension that is forming inside me and that is desperately seeking a release.

I can't even name the trigger. I really can't, even though I should write down whenever something is bothering me until the level that I want to cut, … which actually did not happen often during the last weeks, because my mind was mostly occupied with silencing my rebelling stomach.

But right now all I want to do is slice this sharp edge over my thighs.

I feel the heaviness once more. Weigh it and imagine it being this heavy because of all the cruelty it was used for. How many hideous deeds it performed... That does not go unnoticed, but carves into the soul. Even if it is just a lifeless knife.

I already tried everything possible to stop me from causing harm to myself.

Over and over my mind repeats this, to give me permission. To tell me, it's OK, to do it, so that all the tension floats out of my guilt-loaded body.

I press the blade against the skin, can feel the biting of its sharp edge...-

just one second before I press down with all the force I can afford I decide I have one option left I neglected the hours before.

I didn't even consider it! Only, because I am not used to the thought of sharing the pain I feel inside.

Frantically I try to find my cell phone.

Stupid thing! Whenever I need it most it is nowhere around! Which use do they have if they are not there when you need them?!

I must appear like an addicted person looking for the drug she is craving for, albeit I try to put some control into my actions the seem just random.

One jeans is flying over the bed's edge, another shirt is sent into the closet and a purse flies into the living room area.

But thanks to my desperate search I find what I was looking for.

I hit the speed dial so I can speak to Callie as soon as possible. And I definitely _need_ to hear her soothing voice...

She picks up after the fifth ring...

"Zona, what the hell!", a very furious Callie greets me. Obviously I woke her from a very pleasant dream...

"It's 3 am. Don't you have better things to do at this time than tearing me out of my sleep?!"

Guilt takes over my conscience. What did I think?! But it used to seem like a good plan...

"Urgh, sorry. You are right. Go back to sleep, sweety", I manage to mumble innocently.

"Stop!", she screams before I hang up. "Whoa! Hang on! You never call me sweety. It must be something serious! Wanna talk about it?"

I can hear the terror in her voice. Maybe she managed to wake up fully by now and realized that something _must_ be wrong.

Actually I wouldn't call her sweety under usual circumstances, because I love the way 'Calliope' rolls off my tongue. And no other nickname is able to give her such a warm smile on her face.

"Yeah. Kinda. I hope talking is enough... Can you … could you come over?", I ask cautiously and hear a suppressed groan, because there are by far more appealing things to do at midnight than to hop into the subway and come all over the city, just to talk.

"Sure. 'll be there in... 20? That's OK?"

"Whenever you can manage."

"Then, see you soon."

"Bye."

A click tells me that the line has gone dead...

Just another 20 minutes that need to be survived. 1200 seconds.

I should be able to manage this, right?

**_GA_GA_GA_GA_**

Suddenly there is a hard knock at the entrance, announcing Callie's arrival.

With great effort I rise from the floor to open up, but Callie's stern face lets me become even more serious.

"Have you-", she can't seem to complete her sentence, but that's not even necessary. I already know what she is going to say.

"No. I haven't yet. Thanks to you!"

She pulls me in a tight hug and gives me a kiss that does not seem to end. But finally she pulls away and guides me into my kitchen.

"You know what helps me when I am upset?"

I shake my head, giving Callie a questioning look. Sure she'll tell me in a second.

"Baking-" I interrupt her before she could even try to continue.

"I really don't think that's a good idea! I-I mean.. it's 4 in the night and-"

And yet the Latina is barely interested in what I want to do or not want to.

"Baking takes my mind away and helps me focus again. I forget everything around me … and eating those delicious sins."

I smile. But I cringe inwardly, knowing that I can't convince Callie to drop it, yet too afraid that I have to eat those high calorie foods later...

It makes me want to choke already.

Just play along!, my mind tells me. There's nothing else you can do! Just fake it till the end...

And so I obey my inner voice and say:

"Pass me the flour!"

A stupid grin appears at my lovers face and with a sultry voice she adds:

"Yes, Mistress."

**A/N**

**The chapter title is a quote from Shakespeare's Macbeth, for those who care :)**

**Please tell me, what you think about it :)**


	18. When night is falling

**A/N**

**So finally back, guys and gals …**

**Have fun reading!**

17th chapter: When night is falling

I feel a warm body next to me while my mind fights past the fog that my troubled sleep left.

At first I don't really remember why I am lying at the living-room carpet, curled and snuggled up at Callie.

Everything is just so vague, because my thoughts are not working with their normal velocity yet.

After I managed to stand up without waking my girlfriend I manage to take a deep breath, but suddenly the weight of last night hits me like a thousand kg heavy stone.

The first thing to enter my mind is the delicious baking-dough smell coming out of the oven. After that the taste of the melted chocolate that does not seem to leave my tongue, ever.

Another memory is the laughter and the relaxed atmosphere I shared with Callie in those dark hours.

And just seconds later the guilt.

The guilt of having eaten those muffins and cupcakes and all those things coming freshly out of the oven. We didn't even wait until they were cooled out – no, we ate them hot! We had no discipline to _wait!_

_I _ had no discipline to say _NO_!

What a stupid mess am I?!

I grab my blond hair forcefully, to bring some control into my mind.

As if pulling at the scalp would help!

All I want is a little control! My biggest craving is order at the moment! Feeling pure and clean and … and … happy again.

But right now it seems as if I would never be able to fix up my life and glue the broken pieces back together.

Right now I am just a fucked up mess with no discipline, no control, no value, no friends, no life... I could continue and continue.

It's a strange thing. Control, I mean. It is what I need most, what I always – my entire life – needed to keep me from going insane.  
And yet my biggest wish is to give it up for a short amount of time.

Well, not give it up completely... more like passing it to someone who would take good care of it.

That would lift a weight from my shoulders.

And yet I cling to the control, because it is the only stable factor right now. Because of that I start to count... List my sins from this night.

That just can't be true! I can't have eaten this much in only two hours... Can I?!

We baked and ate till 6. Went to sleep – since I have enormous troubles sleeping I woke up again at 7:30 o'clock.

It is just not possible that each of us consumed about 1500 kcal! That's … ridiculous!

No. No. Not ridiculous! That's a crime!

A crime I need to be punished for!

Yes. That is the only thing I need now. And it needs to happen right now!

And now I feel again that my thoughts are not clear anymore. They are dominated, but not by my conscience or whatever drills morals into us, but by this strange voice I can't not rebel against.

As soon as it enters my brain I have to obey. It is not a question of loyalty, but of dominance and submission. And I am clearly inferior!

The female voice creeps into every fiber of my body, asking me how I could eat this stuff without regretting it instantly. How I could perform this disgusting action.

I sneak into my bedroom to grab my running gear without waking Callie.  
She seems so tired and her body language tells me she needs this sleep so much.

While I tie up my shoelaces I remember that I actually _hate_ running, but what kind of choice do I have?!  
At least it is a suitable punishment: I dislike it and it burns some calories.

I do hesitate before I exit the door, because I know how boring this is and how much better I could use my time.  
It is so hard to open this damn door...

**GA_GA_GA_GA**

I am running for … kinda 15 minutes and my lungs are killing me already.

They burn like I ran over an hour and that's the feeling I hate and love and crave at the same time.

My thoughts are so contrary and I really don't know what I can believe anymore...

Why the hell did I forget my music player?! At least it would offer a little distraction...

I curse and curse and even more cruel words to attack my whole situation come across my tongue, yet they are not spoken aloud.

But because of the irregular breathing that arises from talking my diaphragm cramps and sends a searing pain through my thorax and breath.

"Shit!"

My face displays the pain I am in before I could change anything and I start to walk slower and discipline me to breath more regular.

**GA_GA_GA_GA**

_Callie's POV_

I slowly wake up from a pleasant dream, but I sit up with a jolt as I can't feel a female body next to mine.

I am more than just surprised, but also worried. Where is she?

"Zona? Are you home?"

No answer. That's strange!

Where is my little angel?!

I rise with great effort and become nauseous immediately, but I try to ignore it and walk straight to the kitchen, where the remnants of our midnight-baking/distracting-session are still standing on the counters.

Suddenly a yellow note arouses my interest.

I walk over and grab it.

My eyes are still a little sticky and it takes much concentration to read the tiny letters:

Morning Calliope :)  
I hope you slept well.

I am out running, but will be back within an hour.

Love you

With great amazement I reread the text.

And again. Did she really write she went jogging?!

She told me she loathes single player sports – such as running – like hell.

What the hell is going on with my girlfriend?!  
There must be something totally wrong.

And suddenly compassion transforms to anger and rage – When s0mething is wrong, why does she not talk to me?!

She should know by now, that I am there whatever is wrong, no matter how bad it is.

I do not know how much longer I can take this secretiveness and this I-Can-Fend-For-Myself and I-Have-To-Face-Every-Battle-Myself.

I am sick and tired of it! I really am!

I guess we have a bone to pick ...

**A/N **

**Cliffhanger guys ;)**

**Please review and tell me what you think :D**


	19. Sinister Talk

**A/N**

**So, here is the next chapter :)  
As always: Trigger warning...**

18th chapter: Sinister Talk

I make it to my apartment door totally out of breath, my head almost bursting from pressure, my eyes hurting.

All I want is to take a cold shower!

That was a really _exhausting_ idea...

I fiddle my key out of the pocket of my running-shirt, but before I even open the door it gets pulled open from the inside.

A stern looking Callie is standing in the frame, nothing good can come out of this...

But I try to ignore her seriousness: "Hello Calliope! Nice morning, isn't it? … What's up? You are looking grumpy."

She does not answer immediately, but then her voice comes out harsh: "You go out running, although you _hate_ running? And then all you want to talk about is the _weather_?  
I don't know you anymore, Zona...  
Why did you go out? What the hell is wrong?!  
I can't do this anymore... Playing the girlfriend who does not notice something bad is going on."

She breathes in heavily.

"Either... You start talking and we find a solution... Or..."

Her face changes... And so does mine in awaiting of the fatal decision she made.

"... I will leave this door and never enter it again."

I am not sure at all, but I believe that I can see a tear entering her eyes.  
But I am too overwhelmed to cry at all.

"Please! Stay!"

Now or never...  
I am done lying. I am done, because I want to rescue this relationship.  
THIS means the world to me and offers the only support available.

"Just,... give me a minute. Please!"

Callie gestures toward the couch where we sit down.  
And yet I try to bring some distance between us, because I can't bear this pressure lingering in the air.

How do I put those feelings into words?!  
Where shall I start?

There is so much chaos...

"You want to know, why I went out running?"

I wait for her reaction to gather time, to prepare my side of the conversation.

But she only nods. Nothing else. She does not want to give me the possibility to change the topic. I must. Stay. focused.

A deep sigh escapes my throat.

"Because..." The words are hard to get out and they seem like heavy stones on my tongue.

"... We ate so so so many calories last night and I feel so disgusting and I just … I could no longer bear this feeling of how much I weigh.

This fat and ugly fat and ..."

I can no longer control the sobs, they are just coming...

But Callies does not offer any compassion, or hug me... She simply keeps staring at me, while she waits for me to continue.

"I slipped back into my eating disorder." I scream! I scream with a strained face. "Is this what you wanted to hear?! My confession?! Another thing for which you can look down on me?"

I jump up with so much force, that my feet start to prickle.

My whole body is under so much tension, that my hands start to go numb from strain, because not enough blood is able to reach them.

"Arizona! I don't know what … what to say. – "

My rage is there. No way to get it bottled up again. I am beyond the point of caring right now.

"Save it, Callie. You know? Just... save it for someone who wants to hear it.  
If you want to leave then go. There is the door! Don't make it harder than it needs to be!"

Instantly I regret those words. But no way of taking them back. I have to deal with them.

"Zona!", she grabs my wrists forcefully, "I never wanted to leave. I only wanted you to open up and I am more than happy you did!"

I look at her puzzled... My brain is too slow at the moment and so I can't bring any sense into the words she just said.

"And now, because you talked about your problems, you can change them", she nods eagerly, but it isn't that easy and simple...

"No. No. You don't understand!  
It isn't like there is magic star dust and as soon as you throw it everything changes.  
Those behaviors are habits. And old habits die hard... Everything inside me has transformed, my thinking, my stomach, everything! And I just can't undo it."

Callies does not seem to be sure what I am talking about and this is the first time I honestly realize that not everyone has those twisted feelings and struggles.

"But this hunger... It must be killing you! I mean, when I don't get my food I get grumpy and moody... But you, this does barely seem to affect you... This not-eating, I mean..."

Geez, what should I reply? Nothing is the same anymore. Neither the feelings towards food nor the pain. It all changed within month.

"You have to understand that with eating disorders your whole way of thinking changes. Hunger is no longer painful, but a … good feeling. In a way at least. Pure and clean and great and focused... Not pain, but success!"

I try to find a good comparison to make those feelings understandable, to enable her, to grab them in a _real_ situation.

Maybe, throwing up is for 'normal' people so so painful and would need a huge surmounting, but for people suffering from Bulimia this _is 'normal'_.  
Every thinking has changed.

"OK, I get how this mind can change, but your person and your behavior can't change... Can it?" She does not seem to be sure anymore...

"Every fiber of your body sucks up these twisted thoughts. Those voices infiltrate you... Until you are only a shell which gets lead by those voices. You do what they say... and soon her will becomes yours. No distinction.

You eat slower. And I mean, slower. I needed 20 minutes to finish a slice of bread.  
You eat only healthy foods... Counting calories incessant.  
You chew a thousand times and drink after each bite. I used to drink 3 glasses of water along with every meal...  
And I can't imagine doing it any other way.  
I am lost … I no longer control this, right?"

Now I can feel tears entering my eyes, because it is just too much.

Too many suppressed feelings resurface...

Her eyes get watery, too.

"No. No, you don't. Please, let me help you, Zona!", my girlfriend begs and this almost breaks my heart.

"You don't have to fight those battles alone..."

When will I be able to let others in?

Will I be finally able to give her a place inside my heart, where everything I try to hide so desperately is buried?

Will I be able to let go of the control I cling to so frantically?

Well, I have to if I really want to convalesce and be able to leave this dark and eerie place after this eternity.

**A/N**

**Please tell me what you think! :)**

.


	20. Handing over the control

**A/N**

**Hello again.**

**There are Mature Contents in this chapter so please stop reading as soon as you feel uncomfortable with the mentioned topic. Nothing graphic but also not suitable for too young readers.**

19th chapter: Handing over the control

I dragged myself to bed, totally drained off of strength.

All I can do is wait for Callie to appear next to me. She seems to occupy the bathroom for more than thirteen minutes already...

Maybe she does not want to sleep in a bed with me after everything that happened today!  
Maybe I should sleep on the couch tonight...

But before I can even make a final decision Callie places herself next to me.  
She turns her back on me, blows out the lights without even saying good night.

I can't blame her after all, can I?!

I wait and wait for sleep to take over, but nothing happens. All I can do is lying stiff and numb next to the person I love from deepest hearts and who is asleep already.

And before I could even stop them these thoughts enter my mind again...  
On how I failed today, what a bad example of a girlfriend I am. I can't even keep up a stable relationship!

I try to breathe the panic away like I learned.  
I try to not react on the upcoming tingling down in my stomach.  
And I also try to suppress the growing burning which is slowly climbing up limbs, starting at my hands and feet.

Soon one single thoughts dominates my brain: the need for release!

NO! I can't do this to Callie! I love her! I just cannot do this!

And so, given the lack of other options, the first tear enters my eye.  
It seems to be the first one in ages that falls in order to relief the tension of a situation.

In one way I am so glad that I am finally able to cry, but in the other I can't control the sobs escaping my throat anymore.  
They come out in a strangely loud volume that I just can't tune down.

I try to muffle it with pressing my head into the pillow, but this barely decreases the intensity.

Suddenly the female frame next to me stirs and begins to move.

_Oh no! I woke her! _And yet another guilt ridden thought crashes into my conscience.

"Zona..." Her voice is still dominated by sleep. "Why are you crying?"

But out of nowhere she becomes awake and she no longer speaks coated with slumber.

"I... I … just remember how I fucked up today, how I almost lost you... and … how everything is to blame on me. I am the guilty one!"

Much to my surprise the Latina spins around, grabbing my wrists forcefully.

"Don't you dare to even thinking about this!"  
She hisses, clearly uncomfortable and afraid to say something wrong but also very annoyed.  
"Everybody makes mistakes, fails at a time. But the most important thing is to stand back up immediately! And you won't lose me this fast, I promise..."

I try to hold the tears back, but they stream now freely...  
There are so many reasons I could name about the why...  
Mainly because I am so so grateful she allows me to not be perfect.  
But also, because...

"Arizona!" As soon as Callie sees the water streaming down my cheeks she stops grabbing my wrists with this intensity. She releases them instantly.  
"I am so sorry!" Her voice crumbles and guilt is written all over her face:  
"I shouldn't have done this! I shouldn't have used this much strength in holding you down...  
I made you feel trapped again...  
I am just such a stupid idiot!"

I try to sooth her, but the lump in my throat makes this task so much more difficult.

"Don't be sorry! Don't be sorry at all!"  
I take a deep breath to clear my thoughts and calm down my racing heart.  
"I am not crying because you did anything wrong.  
I am crying, because I finally found a release without causing permanent damage...  
I _need this_... "  
Even more quiet, a little embarrassed about my demands:  
"I need _you_..."

In this darkness I can barely see any hints her face might give, just a surprised question is telling me, that she is as dumbfounded as I am about my own request.

"_What?!_" I guess that she can't really find any sense in the words I just said...  
"What do you mean by this?!"

Another deep breath before I am able to continue – I do know that I might scare her off with this idea and send her running for the hills.  
But I _have_ to try!

"I need to let go, do you understand this? I need to surrender... Need to give up every control... – to someone I fully trust -"

Callie shrinks back.  
Now I screwed it up completely...

"You have gone crazy!" She can't seem to believe what she just heard seconds ago. It does not seem to make sense to her...

I can feel that she is overwhelmed, but also afraid to cross a boundary she should better leave untouched.

"Do you know what you are asking me to do? Do you know that?!  
We won't be able to talk to each other normally after this!  
I... I don't know if I really want to risk this...-

You have gone crazy!"

I assume that she makes this statement out of fear and not out of conviction.

So I give it a last try to persuade her:  
"No . – I have thought about asking you this a thousand times, but I have come to the conclusion that this is the only thing that might help.  
I beg you to take a way my control and so that I can't decide whether I want to hurt myself or not, whether I am good enough or not...  
I am yours... At least for tonight..."

Callie still seems to struggle.

She does not appear to see how this should help me... and I am close to giving up, when she finally asks:

"What do you want me to do?"

I_ close my eyes as I try to process the meaning of her words._

"Just take the control I hand to you. Take it so that I don't have to make any decisions … which would be wrong nonetheless.  
Take the control so that I can stop struggling with losing it one night... I give it away on purpose... Please, make me _feel,_ not think!"

Callie's whole inside strives against this, but her compassion for wanting to help me finally wins.

What she says next has nothing seductive or soft anymore, it is rather cold, distant and dominant:

"You will close your eyes while I go and get some supplies. Don't you dare to move! You would regret it..."

And so I am lying on_ my_ bed, on _my _comforter in _my_ night-garments but without the pressure and tension I am so used to feel and that have become a part of me.

GA_GA_GA_GA_GA_GA_

All of a sudden a light satin touches my skin.

At first I can't place where it came from but then I realize that it is heading towards my face.

"Callie, what are you doing?", my futile attempt to find out what is coming next.

But as soon as I said those words the satin loses contact with the soft areas of my body... and I regret immediately that I tried to speak.

"Did I gave you permission to ask a question?! … - Answer me!"

"No. I am sorry. Please don't be mad!"

And in a fast movement the scarf is bound around my eyes, successfully blindfolding me.

Then there is another fabric which is brushing down my arms, towards my wrists.

And again only one second later I am restrained to the bedpost above my head.  
Now every move I try to make is limited and I have to totally rely on Callie...

**POV CHANGE**

What the hell am I doing here! How could I let myself get talked into this?!

This is so stupid... I will hate myself afterwards!

I try to give my voice a stone-cold tone: "Are you alright?"

A almost inaudible answer: "Yes, yes I am."

"I will take away the blindfold now, and from this point on you won't ever close your eyes nor look away from me, do you understand? I want you to make eye contact with me!"

And as soon as I lift the satin and push it over her head I can see those crystal blue eyes that are no longer driven by demons or inner turmoil but that are calm, focused and seem to concentrate solely on this task...

Her mind not wandering to any of these dark places she has made herself comfortable in recently.

Maybe, just maybe this is really what she needs...  
Giving up what she craves most and is afraid to lose and clings to so badly...

Maybe this is really one way I can help her...

And yet I can't stop hoping that there is another one as well that does not require me restraining and doing god knows what to her...


	21. Revealing some truths

20th chapter: Revealing some truths

I love Callie.  
And the way she helped me tonight meant the world to me.  
For her it might not seem like a big deal or something that could help me at all, but she literally saved me …  
From getting eaten alive.

Calliope slowly encircles my navel, starts to tickle my hips gently while I am still chained to the bed.  
But suddenly the connection breaks!  
Her soft fingertips no longer touch my heated skin...

My girlfriend seems lost in thoughts until a mischievous grin appears on her face.

Assuming that the scene is over I dare to speak without permission:  
"What's up, Calliope?"

Her mind still seems to be aloof, but all of a sudden she voices her idea:  
"You know what we used to do after a sleep over? When we were teenagers, I mean?"

Puzzled by her question I need some seconds to organize my brain...

"Well, … No... I barely had girls nights..."

Before I could even go on with an explanation she jumps in, full of thirst for action.

"We used to read each others diary.  
It was so really damn awesome!  
So much fun!  
You wanna give it a try?"

Oh, Callie, how old do you think we are?  
Seriously?  
Reading my fucking diary out loud is the last thing I long for right now!

"What makes you think I even own one?  
I mean yes, I used to, but I don't think I still … and even if I had … –"

OK. I screwed this. I confess.

Arizona! Your lying-skills have been better once, I scold myself.

But a cute smile appearing on Callie's face makes me laugh either.

"Arizona, you are so sweet when you are rambling, because someone caught you off guard!  
But usually rambling means lying … so …  
You gotta be kidding me! You do have a diary!  
People _like you _ always have a journal!  
So, hand it over!"

I am almost exclaiming an objection when she stresses the words: _people like you_!  
But decide last second against it.  
She had no bad intentions...

"Reading … _this_... is really no good idea, believe me...", I confess a little abashed.

**_GA_GA_GA_GA_**

Finally I surrender, lowering myself in front of my wardrobe.  
Yet I try to shield the booth from Callie's eyes  
– she definitely does not have to see all its contents!

As I carefully lift the top a pen-knife occurs along to a broken razor, a pencil sharpeners blade, a safety pin and a paper clip.  
Surrounded by gauze, plastic-band-aids, antiseptic cream, some other stuff and finally a black book with a rubber security band.

As cautious as possible I lift the journal while I put the cover back on the box – hiding its further contents successfully from Callie's view.

"Well, here its is."

With these words I hand it over to my girlfriend who takes it graciously.

"It's beautiful!"

And after that she puts away the security band and reveals my darkest and most protected thoughts...

But I feel the need to explain some things:

"Actually it is written like a novel, because I can't bear writing down all the stuff in any other way. So, in case you read about a Stella Michigan – that's me."

**POV CHANGE**

I hold this book like a sacred trophy, afraid to break it and destroy its worth.

Carefully I open a random page:

_**Orchestra was great today!  
Our conductor even praised me for playing a good solo!  
I am so proud I did it!**_

"Who is the Orchestra and conductor?", I ask wondering about the adaption for the real world.

Arizona blushes a little:  
"Well, orchestra are actually all residents, attendants, nurses and so on and the conductor is Chief Webber.  
And the solo is an operation"

I go on reading, interested in how this story continues...

**_But one of my students today had to play a Sonata from Haydn_ and almost failed _completely!  
It made me so sad, but eventually we were able to pull through_**

Now I am really curious: "What does that part mean?"

Soon Arizona starts translating:  
"A young boy needed an arm operation due to a not even broken bone. We had complications in the OR but were able to stabilize him."

I never imagined Zona to be that creative!

**_Today was awesome!  
Well, at first...  
We – meaning my duet-partner at the piano and me – had a really, really good rehearsal.  
At first she was struggling but in the end the Israeli Concertino worked out fine.  
I am so glad I found her!_**

But on the other hand one of my strings broke today.  
No matter how hard I fought, no matter how much I rosined my bow, the string just tore apart.  
I

**am_ sad about it, but I feel no regrets.  
But what I do regret a little is that my duet partner noticed I am not practicing enough.  
Everything is just too much and all I want is to end it..._**

"Whoa! What does _that_ mean?"

Arizona seems to be sad, something of the written must have affected her really badly...

"The duet-partner are you.  
I wrote how much I love you."  
She takes a deep breath. Preparing herself for what is about to come.  
"But I … hurt myself again this day. I did try all techniques to distract my mind, but none worked.  
I was sad, but did not regret it. The only thing that did hurt me was that you noticed I did not eat enough. I thought so at least.  
And, well. The rest is obvious I guess."

I turn pages again, finding a text that is different.  
It is written in calligraphy, black ink and fills three pages, I estimate.

It is dated two and a half month ago:

_**I thought about this question a lot.  
In fact so much that my head hurts by now, but I just could not find a suitable answer:**_

**How do you say good-bye?**

Tears are welling up in my eyes as I get the direction this letter is heading to.  
I have to pull everything inside me together, every remaining strength to not show Arizona how sad this makes me in reality.

_**It is not like I have any reason – an outsider would say.  
She had no life-threatening disease that caused her unbearable pain.**_

**And this stranger is right – I have no disease.**  
**It is life itself that hurts so much that I want this pain to end.**  
**I just can't bear it any longer!**

**I envy and admire you!**  
**All of you!**  
**For standing up each morning with a sincere smile on your face, looking forward to and enjoying the day.**  
**I wish, I had more of this serenity, but –**

I just can't go on reading!  
It makes me so unbelievable sad that my beloved Arizona was on the verge of – … was at a point; and maybe still is there; where her wish to die is much stronger than the reasons to live... and fight for LIFE.

She sits right behind me, hugging my waist gently...  
Her warm body suddenly tells me that I almost would not enjoy this unique moment but mourn over her grave.

"Were you..." My voice breaks, torn down from tears.

"If you weren't … serious … Why do you … have a farewell letter? Were you really … that close?"  
I speak so quietly that I fear she overheard it...

A sigh. Then in a nonchalant kind of voice:  
"Doesn't everybody own one?!"

I am totally taken aback by this statement!  
Shocked, that her thoughts do no longer run in 'normal' lanes, but are totally out of every standards!

I slowly try to convince her...

"NO Zona! … No one owns one … except they really think about … you know … – committing suicide... "

**A/N**

**I assume many of my readers are going through dark times right now or went through them in the past.  
Maybe you're also struggling with self-harm, an eating disorder or something similar.  
I do hope you already had the courage to find help...**

**But I also know that it is sometimes more important to just have someone to talk to who won't judge.**  
**Some things are hard to discuss with the ones closest to you – I know that! I really do, I have been there either.**

**In case you feel the need to talk, or just want to find encouragement – I am there to listen to You.**

**Please, just PM me and I would be more than glad to be able to offer some support!**

**E.J**

** Jey. I'd really like to talk to you but I don't know what you mean by /JeyM889. **

**we could talk via Facebook, Skype, whatsapp ... whatever you prefer. I really want to help and talk to you!**


End file.
